So i am on day 3 and I feel confused, a little empty, tense and emotional that is .. I still feel light but with all the other emotions as well.. It is different.. I am tense as hell and I am about to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't have anger. I think most of my anger was taken in out on my family, friends and most of all the men i was with. The only anger i feel is anger at myself.. for not being willing to let myself feel this before.. I know it wasn't my time.. I had to go into a tale spin in my life before i came here.
But the strange thing is that now that i am hear I have no clue of what to do and i certainly don't want to make the same mistakes i did before. I have one benefit this time around.. I have a healing family, a sister that i can look up to and friends that love me so.. So how can I ensure that this revolutions continues on the right path... Listen to what is right.. Listen to what is around me... and ensure that i don't let myself slip back into the darkness.
I still feel a little empty in things.. But i still feel light. The problems is right now is that i feel sick.. light i was coming down with something. I wrapped my self up in a blanket like Linus and cuddles up to myself looking out the window.
I honestly don't know what i should do with these emotions I don't know what to tell myself. But i do know while i was out and about... I saw things for the first time.. I smelled things for the first time.. Enjoyed the Summer breeze of the flowers and honeysuckle as i drove down the road. And for the first time in a long time... I understood ... and it felt good.. like a new high for that moment. Alright end of day 3 and my head is throbbing from all the emotions I have been feeling ... a Little depression is there too..
I lost a part of me.. But I gained so much more.
Day 4...
Well today it seems i have to remind myself to breath.. i mean deep in and out breaths.. trying to calm myself down to be able to even think straight. Even now i need to breath. A heavy heart.. my mind keeps racing with all the things that i did.. I know that you have to get past and forgive.. but i think that i need to at least write a letter to someone and at least let him know that i was awful to him.. just put it out there and see if he will forgive me for my wrongs.
It is funny but i just looked in the mirror and I honestly don't know who the person in the mirror is.. she is softer, pretty and looks kind... all the while my insides are churning.. having a bit of anxiety today...
Day 5
So i was on the phone with my mom, and we were talking about the healing of the family, my brother, her of course and just what i have come to realize. But one of the things that i did realize is that.. she will never get it... I said something about come to realization that we all need t heal once as for all the it would be good for my brother to finally seal up the hole his ex left him. Then i told her that This has been good for me.. and i am realizing what events made or broke my life... you know what she said.. Not a good for you or a I am proud of you.. but simply " well i have been healing too"
Really!?! I mean does she honest understand WHAT HEALING is? I really don't think so. So i told her this.. If we continue to heal the way the world wants us to then we will never truly heal at all. You know I didn't get anything but.. Well I this or Well I that. WOW Am I like that? Do I do that? if so SLAP ME! okay okay don't slap me but call me out on it PLEASE!
The only good thing that came out of that conversation was that she said his name and I didn't cringe!!!!! it was great.. it felt like anyone other name. she even said another name as well and i didn't cringe at that too. So right they shows me that god has me on the right path. It is a shame that not of us in the family is taking this moment in time to heal with the spirit instead of the world.
Okay so even though it is only 11:30 am things have been okay today.. still fell uncomfortable.. but i look different on the outside.. it is like the insides and the outside match for once. I think my only fear here is that i revert back to my old ways. I haven't been out in public much.. and i am kinda scared to. honestly i don't know how to act around people that i don't know. I have been with a shield for so long it is almost as if i am scared to see what others see. if they truly see me? or see a scared fragile, new and open person who is sorta reverted back to her shy days.
I still feel a little empty in things.. But i still feel light. The problems is right now is that i feel sick.. light i was coming down with something. I wrapped my self up in a blanket like Linus and cuddles up to myself looking out the window.
I honestly don't know what i should do with these emotions I don't know what to tell myself. But i do know while i was out and about... I saw things for the first time.. I smelled things for the first time.. Enjoyed the Summer breeze of the flowers and honeysuckle as i drove down the road. And for the first time in a long time... I understood ... and it felt good.. like a new high for that moment. Alright end of day 3 and my head is throbbing from all the emotions I have been feeling ... a Little depression is there too..
I lost a part of me.. But I gained so much more.
Day 4...
Well today it seems i have to remind myself to breath.. i mean deep in and out breaths.. trying to calm myself down to be able to even think straight. Even now i need to breath. A heavy heart.. my mind keeps racing with all the things that i did.. I know that you have to get past and forgive.. but i think that i need to at least write a letter to someone and at least let him know that i was awful to him.. just put it out there and see if he will forgive me for my wrongs.
It is funny but i just looked in the mirror and I honestly don't know who the person in the mirror is.. she is softer, pretty and looks kind... all the while my insides are churning.. having a bit of anxiety today...
Day 5
So i was on the phone with my mom, and we were talking about the healing of the family, my brother, her of course and just what i have come to realize. But one of the things that i did realize is that.. she will never get it... I said something about come to realization that we all need t heal once as for all the it would be good for my brother to finally seal up the hole his ex left him. Then i told her that This has been good for me.. and i am realizing what events made or broke my life... you know what she said.. Not a good for you or a I am proud of you.. but simply " well i have been healing too"
Really!?! I mean does she honest understand WHAT HEALING is? I really don't think so. So i told her this.. If we continue to heal the way the world wants us to then we will never truly heal at all. You know I didn't get anything but.. Well I this or Well I that. WOW Am I like that? Do I do that? if so SLAP ME! okay okay don't slap me but call me out on it PLEASE!
The only good thing that came out of that conversation was that she said his name and I didn't cringe!!!!! it was great.. it felt like anyone other name. she even said another name as well and i didn't cringe at that too. So right they shows me that god has me on the right path. It is a shame that not of us in the family is taking this moment in time to heal with the spirit instead of the world.
Okay so even though it is only 11:30 am things have been okay today.. still fell uncomfortable.. but i look different on the outside.. it is like the insides and the outside match for once. I think my only fear here is that i revert back to my old ways. I haven't been out in public much.. and i am kinda scared to. honestly i don't know how to act around people that i don't know. I have been with a shield for so long it is almost as if i am scared to see what others see. if they truly see me? or see a scared fragile, new and open person who is sorta reverted back to her shy days.
So this weekend was different for me... everything was different. the sights, everything.
We went out, my hubby and i, to friends house for a BBQ, I had steak and they were really good!! Okay so through the whole thing was different. I didn't feel the need to chime on on things i sat back and listened and just enjoyed things. Although i did stay in my comfort zone of my phone it was still different. I noticed things about me that was different. I was more polite eager to just sit back and have a good time when i wasn't absorbed into my phone. So after we left there.. oh yes we rode the bike there and all over town.
So the sights on the bike felt different too.. like it was my first time on the back of a bike and i was mesmerized by the sights to be unfolded before me. It was Serene it was calming and yet unnerving at the same time...
We went to see some friends at a bar with a band we sorta know.. I didn't really feel comfortable until later when one of my girl friends pulled me on the dance floor.. but even then it was different. Very different.. I was having FUN you know that thing people do when they don't care and just let loose!! Yeah that was ME.... wow it felt great.. I have to say I honestly thought that things would revert back to the same old same old .
But you know.. it hasn't... I have noticed a change in a lot of things.. all for the better.. and even my hubby has too.. he told me today that he notices that i am sweeter to him, say thank you and even make an effort not to grip at him about the little things.. although i still do but i just pick my battles.. and i have noticed that he does the little things to show me that he appreciates me.. Or maybe it is just that I notice those little things more now.
So this week has been over all good.. ups and downs but going better then i could ever expect... thank you to everyone for you support... and the reminders of the little things.
No comments:
Post a Comment