After math..

So the presents are all unwrapped.. smiles on everyone's faces.. except one..mine.. why you ask... because through all of the prep and all the hustle and bustle i feel a bit jipped.. okay so this year I didn't get asked what i need or want for christmas. I know that christmas is a about other things.. and believe me i feel blessed.. my family was there everyone loved the food and we had a blast.... however.. there are times when it is nice to be able to be recognized through presents, especially the one your married to. but like ever year at least the past few years I continue to get him things, listen when he says he needs something and then i get it for him, when i have the extra money i get him a few extra items as well... but do i get anything.. nope.. nada nothing.. ~sighs~ it just a let down.. I decided this year since he hadn't asked or even paid attention i would just get me what i wanted.. a new coat and boots.. i really did need new kitchen gadgets and stuff for the kitchen.. it isn't that i didn't give him a change.. and I know you all will say that i didn't.. but i just know him.. if he doesn't hint around to what i want or anything i know i am not getting anything from him.. but of course he expects me to get him things.. like i have to make up for all the shit i throw at him for making him feel like crap when he did something wrong.
If we both do what is expected of each other and actually help each other out like it should be then would i still feel like it is just another disappointment? I honestly don't know.

Some one told me that if it isn't in the programming then it won't happen.. well it got me to thinking. Did i Deprogram him due to my OCD? due to my overly controlling behavior? did i make him just NOT want to do anything to help out.. the answer.. YES sorry to say it.. bit i am at fault as much as he is..

Sorry to say it.. but we as women can actually deprogram our spouses and create the one thing we have been trying to not create.. a lazy man..

Well at least when it comes to some things.

So did this deprogramming run over into presents? Hugs and the little things like even down to putting his clothes away.. could be
Don't actually know some times it is hard to distinguish.
so what can be done?
Well if i don't want to end in a divorce or a loveless marriage chainging how i look at things he does would be the best start.
i.e stop getting mad at him and praise him when he does something good or nice. tell him I appreciate him and all that.. maybe just maybe i might get that back.
The only problem i have now.. is undoing all the bad i have done.. some days i want to hide into my own world because i feel like i can't do anything right.. or i come off rude or cold to him or my son and i am a being a bitch.
Most days i do want to hide because i feel like maybe that is the only thing that will keep me and them from hurting.. from me getting mad and blowing up or belittling them and being to harsh.
I know growing up i had the same thing from my dad.. it's like that song Perfect by Alanis Morrissette only not as bad with the with holding love part.
Yeah i can blame my upbringing the harshness.. but i never realized how much damage it caused until now. I am struggling with this.. it has been a part of me my whole life.. but it seems i can be patient, loving kind and caring to others.. but to my son and husband i am a raving bitch that expects to much.

so what do i do? how do i stop it.. because to me.. this is a form of abuse and it seems the cycle didn't stop with me.. Oh shit..
so now instead of physical abuse.. i am verbally abusing my family.. wow now i feel like even more of a bitch and a total shit..
i don't know what to do with this realization.. i just don't.. cry? hit something? change?
how? how do i stop this? how do i look at the good things and not the bad things.. or the negative things..

my heart is breaking right now.. i said a long time ago that i wasn't going to do what they did to me.. and yet i am.. maybe not to the extreme but i am..
Sorry i think i need to cut this short.. i need to go cry now..