Struggles of One Person Part 2

So now that you know what happen from age 10-16 let us take a closer look at the after years...

Like I said before I went through the rest of my teenage years going from boyfriend to boyfriend. From group to group, becoming a chameleon and becoming someone that wasn't me. I was whoever was with me at the time. I took on their Identities NOT my own. Although I had interest that I enjoyed doing.. i.e writing, poetry and typical teenage things. I pretty much became who I thought they wanted at the time. Although the only good out come was that I got a WIDE variety of music and styles out of it. It still wasn't me. Every boyfriend that I had I was who and what he wanted me to be.. His interest, his likes and dislikes.. With a few exception. But I still wasn't being me. I relied on the world to solve my problem I looked to the world to find the answers i needed.. when I should have been looking inside of me and not outside. That was my first mistake.

So now on to the men that rolled in and out of my life... The first abusive boyfriend when I was 15-16 was a drop out that I had been sort of dating for a while.. he had a job but his parents were being evicted from their place and he needed a place to stay.. I asked my mom and she said sure.. we set up a bedroom in the living room for him. and he helped out with food and other stuff. Well that was my moms first mistake... Letting him stay there.. after about a week things were fine nothing unusual happened.. and then the second week rolled around and he started to sneak into my room. yes I was sexually active but I had one rule..That I wouldn't do it with my mom in the house. He knew it but it didn't stop him.. he climbed in my bed and started to try to have sex. I told him no he got mad and forced himself there anyways. This now became my nightly ritual 2- 3 times a week. I wasn't safe. I had NO one to turn to.. mom didn't believe me about J and doubted she would believe me about this. 2 -3 months later I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't told anyone yet and I wasn't going to. But I guess he figured it out, via a pregnancy test, because I was taking laundry to the laundry room at the apartments we lived at I started to walk down the stairs and the next thing I know I felt a shove, next thing I knew I was falling down the stairs. When I finally stopped at the end of the stairs I looked up and he was standing there.. said to me that he didn't give me permission to have his baby.

3 days later I miscarried soon after that I got the courage to kick his ass out.

So you see I was So desperate to be loved by someone anyone that I even chose the loser like him to give me love. I Went the "Cave man way"... but that wasn't love.. nope... NOT at all.

My track record from state to state wasn't good.. I had several boyfriends that when I tired of them I simply cheated on them. When that "special" feeling was gone I looked for the next thing.. that was how I worked that was what I did to keep safe.. to ensure that I hurt them first before they had the chance to hurt me.. I was never alone for long.. I wasn't picky of who I was with.. as long as they gave me the "special" feeling. One ex said this.. "I am the girl who every mother Hopes his boy would find, But i am the type of women that no man would touch"
Yeah that hit hard...

So now after more and more boys I dated up till the summer that I met M the guy who was 6-7 years older then me. I met him at the job I worked at and soon after that we were getting to know each other.. he played in bands and had a cool life. So we stated dating and of course because I was under 18 he went to ask my mom permission to date me.. (AHHHH what a Romantic) Anyways.... I have to say he was one of the GOOD ones.. not the macho man not the I am MAN you do as I say BITCH, kinda guy. Really sweet and he knew what I was going through he wanted to "save" me and I needed to be "saved".

Time goes on long story short he becomes my "Knight in shining armor" so to speak.. problem was that after I moved out of my house after graduation and into his house, he became dependent on me and I on him. To the point that I started to feel confined and in a rut.. So I did what I did best.. Cheat and hurt him, Push him away like all the others i did when they got to close to the real me. that was a part of me that I never allowed anyone to truly see... Although many saw through it I still THOUGHT I was giving off the fuck you attitude.. Isn't that strange It was almost like I was the bad girl that the good boys wanted.
I went with what the world encouraged me to do.. and that was to do what I wanted when I wanted and not worry about the consequences.

But there was...

One night he got mad at me.. found out that I had fooled with one of his fraternity brothers. He got mad and yelled and screamed at me to the point he was about to hit me... Backed me into the closet door and he hit the door right above my head. I push him back and yelled back told him that he was like any other man .. that all he cared about was what I could give him and how I made him feel. I told him that he shouldn't care about me that I was just going to hurt him more and wasn't worth it.
The next thing I know he is on the phone with my dad..asking him to let me come up to be with him. Thought that it would be good for me... So i left with a few bags of clothes and a plane ticket.

Unfortunately for all of us... I didn't help I just continue with the pattern.. difference new state, long distant boyfriend and had my dad... Oh yes most important I felt safe. Things weren't always peachy, at least I didn't have someone yelling at me 24/7. I did get answers to things I needed from my dad. But then I had to deal with a step mom that liked to tell me what I did wrong and not what I was doing right. How sweet is that...
Yeah right....

So after time goes by I my attitude and some of the outer appearance changed, i.e.. the clothes I wore, I stopped wearing club wearing and started wearing more conservative wear. I still had the harden outer core, I still gave everything I had.. Not believing that I deserved things back. Yet, still yearned for the Unconditional love that I needed so much. In all I doubted what people told me.. and gave everything I had to someone.. NOT keeping me and sharing ... Yes there is a difference there.

So now there I was time and time again.. Living life to what you can in a small town. NO drinking, no clubs. Being nothing but a good girl, or so everyone thought, and working. Once i was able to get out of the a family home and a place of my own i went right back to my patterns again.. of see someone only this time we were both addicted to sex but didn't want anyone to know we were fucking. ONLY problem I was doing the whole OH i love him crap, come out later to find out that he had a Girl friend at college. Funny huh? So Of course broken again.. having giving all of me to him I was crushed hurt and mad.. took it out on the next person.. My problem was I was TOO easy I allowed men to have me as soon as the first date.. WHY? Well because I honestly thought that If I gave them what all men wanted they would give me love in return... YES I fell for that... But i learned or so I thought I did...

I didn't like to be Idle I hated it... that was most of my problem without someone there to talk to or TV or anything I was forced to Think, Forced to look at things... I hated it.. I didn't know how to handle it.. so once again I change the outer part of me but not the inside and became even more harden.
Let put it this way In the amount of time that it took me to heal a little over 50% a snail could have gone 2 miles. BUT that was because I didn't have the support that I needed, no the outlet in which I was allowed to use to help me through. Oh yes Everyone had their opinion on what I needed to help me get through or had their opinions on what happened to me.. but in the words of my sis... "DON'T sit there and tell me you know what I went through... Because you aren't me" And she is right ;.. she is so right.. Every person goes through different situations.. yes we all grieve the same we go through stages as well.. but you weren't there you have no idea what I went through. Sympathize that is fine... tell me you understand.. give me encouraging words.. BUT ABOVE ALL tell me it's OKAY to feel the way I FEEL!!!!!

They never got it... they never understood ... I needed to KNOW that what I felt was okay to feel them.. that I shouldn't have swallowed it down and pretend that everything was okay. IT WASN'T OKAY!!!!! I wasn't okay. I was torn, broken and uncontrollable in everything... Impulsive in life to the point of nothing.. I mean honestly... wouldn't you been concern if your daughter showed up at your front door step crying and broken.

So through everything I did grow I did learn I did heal... but I honestly think that somewhere in my healing I closed a part of me that wouldn't accept those people around me to love me or at least NOT unconditionally.. I thought that if i gave out then I would get back.. and when I mean give out well I mean more then just gifts.
I never realized that you can actually just be yourself and people will love you ... People will like you without the harden exterior.

So I finally get to ask this big question.....
YAY!!!!!
THE BIG QUESTION!!!
Wait before i get to ask it... Let me ask you...
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

well I can tell you this... I can say that I learn to truly 100 % to be me.. not to lose myself in the person I am with .. Enjoy the things you like... and DON'T care what society says.. DAMN IT!!! Find yourself... and let me tell you YOU CAN'T DO IT .. WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE!!!!!!!!
That's right I said.. how can you find who you are if you are with someone.. think about it every time you give yourself to someone you are giving or melting yourself in with the person you are with.. You can't find yourself and heal if you don't take the time to do it...
The other thing I learned is that I need to stop doubting when someone is willing to LOVE me Unconditionally.. Willing to show me that I don't have to do anything or be anyone but to be me... That's it...
LIGHT BULB!!!!! BE YOU!!!!! get it... know who you are, what you like and your boundaries and securities...

So Now I come to my present ... I have to say this... I have HEALED more in the past 6 Months then I have in 15 years.. why you ask... well it is simple.
I have been watching my sister-in-law go through the healing process and doing it right without needing the opposite sex.. but just needed the support and a safe environment... and mostly important someone to tell her that it is okay to feel what you feeling when you feel it.. but not to be impulsive or destructive with them. She found a group of women and encouraging words to help her through...

Yes I am a little jealous of her. But I also realize that she is helping me to heal too.
So now comes the big realization that I am STILL wrapping my head and my heart around..

And her goes...
It has BEEN ME..... that's it! It has been me that was not and somewhat is not willing to accept the love of the people around me. It has been me that thought that if someone loved me they would do things for me, like i do for them. It has been who has prevent from myself from letting love in.. It hasn't been those who have loved me.
I have recently been profounded by so many people who have giving me love or showed they have Truly and deeply have cared for me that it has absolutely astonished me to no end! I mean not just the family here at home,but friends online and at home. Now I know what your going to say.. it is easy to love someone who is distant who has a barrier and is NOT up and personal. Well there are some people who I have talked to via phone not met personally but I have grown to love like a family.

So in this revolution of things realizing that it has been me all along preventing myself from letting people love me.. and SEEING that they do! That was the biggest part.. I never saw that they loved me because they never did anything for me.. I always had to ask.
BUT here is the the KICKER!!! people can show you they love you and NOT do anything for you.. and when i say that I mean... like take the trash out, clean their rooms, do the dishes.
Their ACTIONS show it all... when they make sure they give you a kiss in the morning, ensure that you are the first one they kiss when they get home or just simply go to work everyday and provide for the family. Every person is different.. but is the little things people do that show they love you.. Oh and did i mention.. THERE IS NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!!! OMFG!!! that's right! nothing, nada...
WOW!!!! and to simply realize that I have had that all along.. and to be reminded that i have that on a daily basis is .. just wow!!!
Now i am not saying that I am completely healed.. but what I am saying is that ...

This is my journey of MY healing... and THESE are the things that I have learned... we all have our own paths in which god has intended for us to go down.. sometimes we say hell no.. but in the end we always seem to go the way we were intended to go...
I just hope that it doesn't take you 20 years to get there like it has me.

So I want to take the time and THANK you... to those who have helped me along the way.. the first person is my husband... the next is my sis... Pussy_whisperer and werecat1, lizzie, and Scott and many others, who just took the time to talk to me on my stream... YOU have all helped me in some small way ... or just shown me love.. some have helped me in major ways and let me just talk and you listened.. SO thank you .. thank you for loving me... thank you for taking a chance on me and showing me that it is possible to receive unconditional love.. and for letting me be me...not to mention.. YOU LIKE ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!!!! LMAO!!!
Thank you my eyes are new and my heart is finally open to receive the love you give.

The Struggles of one person

Most of you already know what happen to me as a kid. Yes, I was abused as a child from the age of 10 til I was 16 by one person in the parental figure, the person in which My MOM couldn't live with out. Needed him because she refused to be alone. But the Funny thing about it is that she actually CHEATED on my father with this man.. Mmhm...

Now I am sure you are asking, To what degree were you abused? Well there are many different kind of abuse.. I unfortunately experiences all of the above Physical, Sexual, verbal, and psychological abuse. Sometimes in small spats here and there.. some times when he was mad at my mother and times when I was younger, Just been separated from my dad and older brother, Suffering from bad dreams on a weekly basis, And YES i DO remember them at least the feelings of them. Nightmares that would later turn to Night terrors. At First the only comfort I had was to curl up next to my mom.. Then she would leave for work and I would still be asleep...

What did this do to me.. I have been asking myself the same thing for years... and recently I have figured out a lot of things.

First let me answer the question.. WHAT DID IT DO TO ME?

Well it created a harden shell on the outside of me, created 2 personalities within myself, as well as ensured that i sought out love where ever I can find it including via sex, with men and women. It created insecurities within myself that I did what every I could to better myself.. The best clothes, the Best jewelry.. etc. But the most important thing that it taught me was that I am Loved Conditionally that is it... that is the BIG thing.

I was LOVED CONDITIONALLY! WTF! Right! I will love you if you don't mess up, I will love you if you let me beat you, I will love you if you do what I say. This was how I was taught what love was. I will LOVE you if you give me something.....But this is NOT what love is...

Is this right? NO of course not. It is NEVER right to love someone with Conditions. That is NOT what love is about... It is Unconditional. I know I have talked about loving someone Unconditionally before. BUT Just in case you forgot... LOVE is Never Faulted, Love doesn't come with Conditions and Love doesn't waiver...

So with all that it left me with a bigger problem was HOW I handled it.. although majority of the abuse happened from 10-16.. what you don't know is that from 16-18 I spent time away from the home as much as I possibly can... I had many boyfriends who "compensated" me in many ways. But when I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was way older, by 7 years, who had a place to live and willing to be my "savior" to let me stay with him during the weekends and he would frequently take me out in the evenings... yes I used him and yes I was just a teenager at the time..But I needed an escape from home life and HE Provided it for me.. This is when i completed the "savior" Complex. Looking for the NEXT thing that would SAVE ME from me or other bad things... Never looking into myself for the help i needed that was WITHIN me. Instead I allowed the Harden Personalities to come out and hurt those who tried to get close.. Or ruin a good man by cheating, lying and stealing their hearts and crushing them to the point they would discard me. Could you blame them though... How much manipulation, tortured and pain can one good man suffer at the hands of a TORN, BROKEN and Unwilling to get better women.

Now here is something that most of you DON'T know... From the age of 16 on my mother would encourage me to have relationships with men, to the point of she would ask the boy if he would Marry me... I mean I understand that she was just trying to get me out of the house to save me.. BUT REALLY! She used to tell me that that was all I was good for.. Being married young, flat footed pregnant. I had NO college in my future, NO expectations in my future.. So Why not right.. If you were told over and over again that all you were ever good for was family life then after a while you would believe it RIGHT!... right...
Oh let me NOT forget to back up that by HIM... Telling me that I have to PLEASE my man and do all that He tells me, even if it included getting a beatings... FUCK THAT SHIT!

By the time I finally got out of the house.. I had told my older boyfriend that if he EVER laid a hand on me that I would do everything I could to put him to the floor. He believed me, Because it almost happened.

Yes he knew about everything, details and all,there has only been a selected few that knew absolutely all details to what happen to me. It seems that I don't have any problems telling people that I was abused but the hardest thing for me to do is tell them what exactly happen to me. The details of it.. Mostly because if I said it, then it happened and if it happened then I had to deal with it.. or I would tell the parts in which I Was cold to but NOT dealt with... So for the first time in my life I am going to do something that is hard for me to do. That is to Tell you all what exactly happen to me.

So here goes..

When I was ten it was the summer time and mom and dad were already separated. By then mom had already ruin the marriage all because my dad refused to stay home and take a local trucking job. To my fathers defense.. there was more money in coast to coast driving. Anyways, the first time it happened I got scared had a nightmare and then climbed into my moms bed and feel quickly back to sleep curl up on my mom's side. Now this is what happened next, when I woke up he was on top of me and my mom was no where to be found. I honestly didn't know what was happening... I had no bottoms on and he was trying to penetrate. When he realized he couldn't he use his fingers. I was young and my mind was hazy, I didn't know what was going on. When I finally fully woke up I looked at him screamed and ran out. He tried to chase me but I got to my room faster and lock the door. Later I tried to tell my mom she didn't believe me.

Then next time it happen I was already really reluctant to go back in my mom's room when I had a really bad dream.. on the verge of a night terror, this one freaked me out so bad that I needed her comfort. So I carefully slid into her room and laid on the edge of her side, meaning to get up before she did but that didn't happen, instead feel asleep only to wake up to someone kissing on my ear and rubbing on my body in the wee hours of the morning. I remember next thing I know I am on top of him being forced and held down by my hips rubbing against him and he is telling me that he needs me.. loves me.. and he will take care of all my needs. I WAS 10! What needs do I have! Now to the worst part of it all. I don't know if my mom was high, still asleep or what,but I remember her walking in grabbing something and walking out. I was thinking to myself MOM help!.. but once again i was disappoint in my parental figure.
I can honestly say if anything happened after that i don't remember... I know that I did EVERYTHING I COULD when i had a bad dream to NOT to go there. I figured as Long as didn't give him easy access he wouldn't do that to me... Well I honestly can't say whether I was right or not. Some things have been block that not even I can unlock..

Mom didn't want to be reminded of the place her and dad had lived and besides dad won the ranch in the divorce and gave mom 2 months to find a new place. So soon after that we left the ranch, and moved to the city, where i went from school to school, new home every year.

The Verbal and Physical abuse started when i was 11, Started with a few temperamental outburst by him. He would either get mad at me, for little things like the dishes or my room not clean, not doing what i was told. He would get into ball out screaming matches with mom over stupid things as well... then come in and yell at me too.. The first time mom told him to stop yelling at me.. he hit her across the face and shoved her into the bedroom, as i hid myself into my room with my Walkman and cranked up the music..I don't know what happen to her and I was too scared to know. After about 30 minutes.. He protruded out of the bedroom and swung open my door pulling me out of my bed dragging me in to the living room. Where he planted me down next to my mom who was crying. I won't ever forget the look on her face. She was scared and I went to go hug her and tell her to call the police but he beat me to it. He started yelling and screaming at us both, then said that he was the boss and what he said goes.. that if either of was goes against him he would kill one of us.
Now here is one thing that most of you DON'T KNOW He (j) was younger then my mom by 6 or 7 years and he threw temper tantrums like a 3 year old... Stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs.. If he was mad at something or someone it was taken out of which ever one of was available at the time. Usually Via yelling and screaming... But the bad times is when he calmly came up to you and said something with this evil and horrible words to make you feel like you were nothing.. One thing he said to me over and over was.. "I raped your mother last night and your next... tell anyone and i will kill her."
He played with us.. toyed with our emotions, pinned us against each other time and time again.. This is Pure Physiological abuse.. It was the Pure anticipation of not knowing when it will happen or what will happen that had you on the edge all the time. Sleepless nights, and lots of begging my mom to go to someone else house was all i could do to keep safe. I know I left my mom to deal with him, But honestly SHE married him NOT me!

To me honestly I think that Psychological Abuse is the worse thing I went threw.
The worst and the last Time he actually physically touched me was a Friday night my mom had decided to go out with a few friends and she was to be home by 1 am. When she didn't come home at all...
AT 1:30 in the morning he grabbed my hair and dragged me yet again out of bed and begin to beat my thighs and butt with a thick police belt that had a steel hook, i was 14. We had a roommate who was asleep in the next room, well not for long. This time when he pulled me out he pulled me out by my hair, beating my right back thigh and the side of it till it was black and blue. The roommate popped her head out of her room when she heard my screams but he told her to mind her own business or she was next.
From what i understand she tried to call 911 but didn't succeed.. he tore the phone from her hands and then continue to beat my legs, back and butt with the belt giving a few blows to my ribs as well with his feet, as i laid on the floor crying. Every time i begged him to stop it got worst... So I endured it, this what seemed like a lifetime, crying out to stop, begging for help from the roommate. My skin being torn, the belt stung my skin like a million killer bees attacking all at once. I wanted to die, I just wanted it to end. When he was finally done. I honestly can't tell you the rest.. because i think i blacked out. I do know i woke up in pain on my stomach covered up in my bed.
Mom finally came home that morning and I remember calling a, now former, friend (we will called her J) to have her mom (call her S) come get me as soon as both mom and he left. S is a nurse and knew what to do for me. I remember sleeping the rest of the weekend, in and out of conscience due to the amount of pain pills I was given. I am sure your asking Why i didn't call the police or file a report.. well that was because I was a minor and the police had already told me that my mom had to back me up as well.. not to mention if I did... he would probably have killed my mother with the gun he had.

However out of courtesy S called my mom told her that I was okay and she was taking care of me, that she would keep me the rest of the week and that I would stay with them. I ended living there for the majority of the school year.

I honestly don't know what happen at home because the next 2 months I was at J's house more then my own. I would go home long enough to get fresh clothes, kiss my mom, or well feed my snake. I know that time after that last big beating I didn't show up to school for a few days til I could at least walk without a limp. I Had a 5 inch long scar on the back of my thigh, which has now faded. But left broken vessels on the back of my thighs.

So now you know... Now you can see what i went through... but there is more to come.. knowing how i struggled through it is the important part...

Part 1 of....

The travelor

Traveling through time
racing to you
the words "to smell a rose"
Pull me to a slow

Look, wonder and appreciate all around
Slow to a pace of a snail
Watch all you see with new eyes, slow eyes
Let your mid see what you cannot see


Colors are there.. raw and full of life
Ready to be seen
Life is never black and white

Brilliance of life, colors not dull
A passing of a snails time am I

Sought out

Sought no more
Seeking to embrace new life with old
Wondering life to break through
Old passion brought forth
with a new thought to my life

Wondering into fields of Flowers
To seek but one
ONe Bush, One flower, a Brilliant
Red Rose with fresh dew
Softly Dripping, feeding, giver of life

The dew sparkles in the moonlight
Soaking life off the velvet into itself

How does one define Freshness of such beauty

Let it Feed, grow and be loved

Chameleon ...

A chameleon in this world fitting into society...
But the colors are different
wondering in life being someone who fits..
A light peeks through the cracks
to define a better me...
should the shell of my skin crack..
or should the colors continue to shine in its own light

How can one define the principle of their own color

Looking through new eyes
to learn the appreciation of my own mind
My own world without loosing the surroundings around me

Seeing colors and life of small through new born eyes.
My eyes, your eyes with differences in life.
a new appreciation without approval of others is what i have learned
Not seeking it, not sought anymore

Here lies me.. with new eyes of the things that i enjoy in life.
Co-existing in a life with you with my own way....

Mothers Day...

Today amoung today i shed a tear..
A present given to me from beyond my years
An object i thougth once lost... but now is found
A tresure Trove of places that my women of life have been

An emotional flood flows threw me like rapids
unable to understand the tears that come
then realizing i have gained the knowledge of so many
with one object hanging from my wrist

Ode to the women of my past... and family
you have shared life with me and now
i wear your adventures
I pray that i can too place a charm upon it
Then to hand it down to the next generation

my heart is still flooded with emotions i am trying to understand
tears could fall at any moment
collections i do have...
Thank you to the women of past and family