Suppressed

Body, Mind, Spirit...
love, hope, joy...
pain, hurt, devastation at the lost of you
swallow it hard..
put on a hard face..
take care of your things
don't let one tear shed
showing is not allowed here
your absents is noticed..
your life remembered..
a life that i said you "Lived"

crumbled down to nothing
a life spent waiting
for anticipation.. of one small person..
hand in hand and a few steps
a smile that beamed in your eyes..

2 years is all you had...
a body bound to fail
pushed away in denial of life to leave
the pain to great...

responsibilities thrust upon me
no time to grieve
no time to spare..
hurry hurry.. make it right
make it good..
speak out loud now time to go

all goes well my heart hardened
a tear falls..
to the ground
ashes to ashes
never to see again

5 years past
not a tear till today
streaming down... down...
the tears stream...
flowing down... down...

heart full of pain
as the memory of you
flows through my brain...
will it stop..
plug it back again..
pushed it away..
then bring it back..
Pain

in Remembrance

I remember the time when playing the drums was your passion above all else..
how you rap tap tap on the snare..
the look in our eyes the last time you played
teaching brother the way...
I remember the trips we would take to unknown places
how everything was a surprise..
that the chore of dishes became a lesson of our language
I remember the time when you first held your great grandson in your arms and cried
how he was your buddy and how you used that last of your strength for his gift..
i remember how you taught me to cook and to make everything with tortillas
the day you past was the day my heat sank..
the day i could never say i love you again or hug you again..
5 years has past and i never really grieved for you..
never allowed myself the time..
but today i grieve i hurt as i remember all the things you taught me
all the things you did for me.. all the times you saved me
all the times that you just let me be me...


thank you for everything
Happy birthday to you.. i love you and miss you...

WHO DO YOU WEAR?

Question: Who do you wear?
I am not talking about brand name clothes or materialistic crap.. I am speaking about you... YES You, you know the skin you wear, the person you let everyone see? It is an easy answer or it should be..

Most women today pretend to be something they are not to please the Player in the man or to be with someone.. but the question is are you happy with that person? Are you allowed to be YOU?

Women listen here is the deal.. if you can't be you then why bother right... and if you don't know who YOU are Well then go find her.. she is in there somewhere.. why do you need a man to tell you what to wear, what to say or act? WHY... That is a question that many of us "other women", who know who we are and have spent the time to get to know ourselves, ask.

Now i know some of you are going to say.. BUT HOW DO I DO THAT? Simple, listen to your body and LISTEN To you mind.. what is it saying.. it is telling you that this is wrong or that the comment you felt wasn't what you wanted to hear? Or do you walk into a new place and think WOW! I like it here.. but everyone else in your party doesn't?
so what do you do.. would you speak your mind and say something or keep quite and let it ride...

Let me ask you this.. would you let a man hit you then say he is sorry? FUCK NO! not unless you are into that they GO FOR IT...

Would you let your friends or Society tell you that the current man you are with isn't your style of man? or that you should do what is "NORM"? HELL NO!!!!

Why would you let someone dictate what you can and cannot do.. Why would you let friends tell you that he isn't cute enough for you or isn't hot enough. Does he make you happy? Do you make him happy? Then what is the problem... Once again are you wear you or someone else?

Come on now.. really think about it, if everyone stuck to the "NORM" then the women would be stuck in our pretty little dresses with our pretty little aprons on cooking dinner and getting pregnant ever 10 months. Or we would all look like a trophy wife. What fun is that..

I personally love that i can say SHIT,FUCK and change a tire or do a oil change on my car or go out and ride a horse or even go to a bar drink and have fun! DYE my hair ever season just for the FUCKING FUN OF IT!!! not to mention... To RIDE a Man so hard that i hear FUCK YES!!! out of his mouth while he is screaming my name! I would never get to do any of that stuff if i was in the "NORM" of life.. and what is Normal anyways... FUCK NOT ME!!!!


So ask your self next time you go out or that you are with someone.. are you wearing you tonight or are you wearing him? and vise versa...

Pain and life

Question... so tell me how do you feel about your life?

Answer... you don't want to know ...

Question... how long were you abuse?

Answer... too long... 6 years on and off

Do these question sound familiar... they do to me.. yes that is right i am a survivor of a horrible childhood... or was it? To me i can say it was.. to me i can say that i had to watch my step, my mouth and the door on my bedroom at night. did living this life hurt me.. NO it made me strong and sometime i think TOO strong.. or is there such a thing. Can one person be Too cold to life because of the type of life the lived.. moving from school to school.. never able to have friends for long.. and then get a friend that they find out.. then have to move again..or be for bidden to talk to them. what about all the other stuff.. the Bull shit the words that i heard.. putting me down saying i will never be good enough for anyone or that i might as well open my legs to anyone that will take care of me because that is all i am worth..

Wait let me say that again... IS THAT all i am worth or am i better then that... FUCK YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!

Some days i think that my experience in life can help others.. to help them through this to make them stronger and to teach them that a women is worth more then anything on earth... we are the ones that carry the child and we are the ones that drive the men to do the things that they do...

But does it Constitute a shallow perverted male to hurt, beat or molest children or young adults? NO... Ripping their childhood away from them the innocence that should have been respected and taught to grow in life... Yes.

These are our children these are our nieces or nephews our cousins..



The next question i get is... are you healed from this have you forgiven him?

My answer... you mean them.. and to answer the last.. who is truly healed from crap that was branded into you... being healed
Here is the Definition of that word.. now you tell me..

1 a : to make sound or whole b : to restore to health
2 a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend b : to patch up (a breach or division)
3 : to restore to original purity or integrity


Look at all those definitions and you tell me are you ever really Healed from tragedy, loss or life. do we really ever heal from it or do we just bury it into the back of our mind and leave it there, only to later head into a self-destructive attitude leaving our families and love ones to worry and beg for us to stop.


To me.. i understand that you are hurting i know that you can't help the bad thoughts in your head.. For me .. I can honestly say HE CAN'T HURT ME ANYMORE!!!! because it is my Choice my choice!! That is right A choice.. one that every person has never say that you have no choice that you have no where to go.. hell i ran away at least 2 a month.. stayed at friends homes for the weekend and even the weekdays. It was my choice to be self destructive to kill all my relationships to hurt those around me to take that drink every morning.. MY choice!!!

Now i want you to listen to MY WORDS.... YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!! GET OUT AND GET HELP..if it was your spouse.. then find away to leave.. and when you get out.. do me a favor and DON"T GO TO THE NEXT ABUSER... that is right... some women out there will find another abuser, it may not be physical.. it might be verbal or sexual.. what everything case be.. you NEED TO HEAL!!!!

for the women out there at get away and have the support system that is needed to heal... and I DO mean SYSTEM!!! Why because you need GOOD STRONG POSITIVE people around you to help you through this... in this case IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE TO HELP THE WOUNDED.... People to talk to people to hear you, to cry to when you mad or sad or just can't do it anymore...

Because let me tell you something if you don't have the entire village hearing you and acknowledging what happen then well... it is hard.. you feel alone you feel like the whole world is against you and you begin to second guess yourself.."did it really happen" Don't et them tell you that... if it happen it happened.. GO FIND ANOTHER VILLAGE TO HELP YOU

it has been 21 years since the first time my abuse happen.. and even i am healing till this day.. what is helping me.. is that i have a wonderful husband that has been helping me through it all by LISTENING.. and just being...

Now with certain family matters it seems i am reliving things over again.. but this time it is different this time i can honestly say the pain is still there but it is my choice to let it stay.. and i say i won't i won't let the pain of things hurt me.. but let this experience Help me to finish healing and to see through another's eyes of what i went through and to acknowledge the the stages i went through to help her through it as well...

Now here is the thing... My experience is not the same and her experience... and no one can say "I know" UM hello no you don't... because we all go through this process differently, feeling what we feel. that is all i have to say about that... SO LET US FEEL IN OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL WAY WE ARE NOT COOKIE CUTTERS... WE DON'T ALL FEEL THE SAME!

MY pain is different from your pain.. i am reliving it.. but i am thoughtful of it.. i am aware of what is going on and what i am feeling.. this time i know that i can go and do something that will be okay for me to do without a self-destructive behavior. i don't feel like take the knife to my wrist or drinking till i puke or letting any guy fuck the shit out of me just because... Well okay .. i let my hubby fuck the shit out of me only because i ENJOY IT! LOL

But seriously... is all of the necessary? do i have to go through it all again? For me if i can heal and help someone else in the process... YES it is..

Does it make my heart hurt less.. not really but at least i can go through it and know that if i say HELP then i have it... and so does she....

Men are such BABIES and women are BITCHES

So i was on the phone this morning with a friend of mine and she was wondering why her sort of boyfriend hadn't gotten his taxes back yet.. so i went in to look at them.. and of course Due to HIS lack of Motivation of not getting important information..the Taxes were not complete... OH BUT the POOR WHINY BABY Owes someone Money and he doesn't want to call to get the important information... Well and what do you think i told my Friend... *dies laughing* Men are Babies they want women to take care of them thinking that "OH we take care of your ass enough I.e. We provide you money.. FOR YOU to take care of everything else... I say Fuck that shit.. MEN ARE HERE ON EARTH TO SERVE US.... I don't care if you think that you work your ass off for us.. Of course we appreciate you working so hard.. that's why you get sex and all the other perks of being so good to us.. but that doesn't constitute you to be a whining ass about something. JUST GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO IT! How fucking hard it is to do something that is NEEDED to be done outside of working you daily job.

We women that stay home and take care of the kids work too you know.. we work our ass off everyday being good moms and good wives.. for what so we can here you complain about you not wanting to do something... PLEASE!

And what about the men out there that actually REALLY Take care of the women they are with.. all the mushy stuff and the things they are supposed to.. even going above and beyond to Please their women in the way they want AND NOT WHINE ABOUT IT!!!

To Be BLUNT.... Women have Pussies and Men want them to Women.. use those pussy they way it is supposed to be used.

Now to touch base on you FUCKING DEPENDENT CRAZIES Women out there.. let me just say one thing... GO DIVE OFF A CLIFF AND FUCK OFF! You don't own the world and everyone doesn't OWE you Anything unless you earned it. AND I me EARN IT ... not by sitting on your ass putting your self into major Debt and then expect everyone else to cover your ass when you can't take care of your self.. I can say one thing about you... you are a shame to all women who work hard and who are INDEPENDENT, PERIOD. I mean Independent women who know how to take care of themselves. Who That NICE guy Looks for. Yes that is right.. The REAL men look for the Independent women who knows what they want in life, who has their life together and if their spouses Die or Boyfriends leave.. well of course we will be crushed but I can guarantee that we will be the ones that will move on with our lives and take care of business because that is what we can do!


So why waste your life whining and crying about shit... Here is the POINT ... GET OFF YOUR ASS AND JUST DO IT

LISTEN TO ME BITCH!!!

meaning... to hear someone you hear the words and that is what they are words... To really Listen to someone you actually take the words and think on them let them work in your mind and heart soak the words in. do you listen to people when they put you down more then you you listen to people when they lift you up

think about it.... when some one says to you... your heart is bigger then life itself and your soul is a beautfiul masterpiece ....

would you really listen to the words that they say or just blush and then later on think that your not worth it.Would you soak into your mind and heart to the point that your body,mind and soul have more confident that you would think of that everyday of your life. Not letting the bad things people say bother you?

To all the women out there who listens to the shit people say do you let it in to your heart? WHY.. is it true? would you let some stranger off the streets call you something your not. Unless of course it is true then.. be proud of it.. HEll I AM A BITCH and i am PROUD OF IT!!! So if you call me one I am going to say thank you... always have and always will.. now if you call me late for sex i will be mad at you and tell you to FUCK ME THEN!!!

So tell me ... do you Listen to your wife when she says i need more sex even afterwords when she gives you that i want more look and the huffs because you say "i am tired" or " i am done". PLease.... Fuck that you have Tongue you have fingers don't you... THEN USE THEM.

After the V-day Storm

With all the V-day crap now on sale because A. the Economy Sucks and be there are cheap asses out there that decided to buy it now... and give her/him that Special gift Afterwards... I have to say.. STOP BUYING INTO THAT CRAP!!!. Diamonds Fuck buy them for her just because not because Advertisment said so... If you fucking Love her/him then you will fuck them till the begg for mercy for you to stop..

Funny Morning

I have a need to share... so the funniest thing happen to me this morning.. it's trash day right.. and the trash once again got forgotten to be taken out to the curb.. so me and my funny i don't give a crap if i am not wearing a bra selfin a white long sleeve shirt and scrub bottoms.. grabed up the trash and started to run down the street with my boobs flapping in the wind ... *dies laughing* so half way down I grab my boobs in one hand and run with the trash in the other.. When i got to the trash man... he was giving me the biggest smile ever.. and it being Fucking cold out side you could imagine what he saw!!!
So my fucking hot.. just got up self wiggled my ass back to the house running giving him a show!!! Damn i love when men drool!!!


That was a priceless moment... but gotta admit ... I would have Flashed them all if my hands weren't full!!!