After the Revelation of one Realization...

Things don't always go the way you expect... Shit happens, you swear to break a cycle that is unhealthy upon you and the people around you. But when you realize that you may have stopped one thing from happening all that really happen was a transference.

Oh come on you know what that means.. or do you?

It is something that happens when you trade one evil for a lesser evil. I mean how many of us out there who survived abuse and swore up and down they would NEVER become that.. Never become the one thing that we despise above all else.. An abuser. What? did she just say what i think she said. Yes, yes i did..
It doesn't matter what kind, nor the extreme of it. if you do something that is against someones will or over the years slowly beat that person down with your words or your fist. well it is all the same is it not?

In my eyes it is. I hate to say this, and i hate the fact that when i opened my eyes i noticed that most, not all, victims of abuse either become abusers, stop the abuse and get help or trade one abuse for another and don't know it.
I thought i stopped it, i thought i had it all figured out, but i don't. Up till recent I i had NO fucking idea what i was slowly doing to my husband nor my child. I was become the one thing i hated the most. I was not only becoming like my mother but I was hurting the one person that has been by my side for all these years, not in the physical sense but in a mental and verbal way.

So i will say this now.. I, Amber, Have been slowly over the years damaging my husband verbally by belittling him and hurting him to the point that he no longer wants to do the things for me that he used to do. All do to that fact that I feel let down by him.

So now that it is out there and you know my dirty laundry. I say how do i correct this?
Well I know i have taken the first step in the process i admitted it.. to you and i did to the main person that has been getting the blunt of it and yes i did it the night of my realization.  I know that with in my self there is a recorder that has been melted into my brain like so many others what I have come to know as our "Negative recorder"  you all know what that is.. yes it is the voice inside that tells you your no good, that your not worth anything, that you can't do it. I say that it is Satan keeping you from the one goal.. getting better, achieving the positive goals of life of living...
Many could also say that it is the upbringing of a early life with someone that is constantly putting them down or constantly being around a negative soul.

We all can say that negativity breeds negative things but how many can actually say they have been able to rid them selves completley of it? I know i can't every once in a while it creeps back in.
So how do we get rid of it? How do you stop and throw away that recorder? Can anyone do it? Can you do it by yourself? or do you need reinforcement in the matter?

So what does one do when the one person that you need uplifting from the most is the one person you have been belittling?
These are all good questions...

SO HOW THE HELL DO THEY GET ANSWERED??????????
the one thing i do know is that in order for both of us to achieve being better in everything things are going to have to start with me... that's right it has to start with me.. i have to make the change because you know what?? ONLY I CAN CHANGE ME and in return things should start to change around me as well as others will benefit from my change for the better.

So
GOAL #1.... No yelling....
GOAL #2 ..... Looking at the things people do and NOT the things they don't do...

I'll let you know how it goes.. so for.. Goal #1 is going pretty good.. but here is the kicker... I have to learn to keep my cool in order to achieve it... so far... so good..................