Struggles of One Person Part 2

So now that you know what happen from age 10-16 let us take a closer look at the after years...

Like I said before I went through the rest of my teenage years going from boyfriend to boyfriend. From group to group, becoming a chameleon and becoming someone that wasn't me. I was whoever was with me at the time. I took on their Identities NOT my own. Although I had interest that I enjoyed doing.. i.e writing, poetry and typical teenage things. I pretty much became who I thought they wanted at the time. Although the only good out come was that I got a WIDE variety of music and styles out of it. It still wasn't me. Every boyfriend that I had I was who and what he wanted me to be.. His interest, his likes and dislikes.. With a few exception. But I still wasn't being me. I relied on the world to solve my problem I looked to the world to find the answers i needed.. when I should have been looking inside of me and not outside. That was my first mistake.

So now on to the men that rolled in and out of my life... The first abusive boyfriend when I was 15-16 was a drop out that I had been sort of dating for a while.. he had a job but his parents were being evicted from their place and he needed a place to stay.. I asked my mom and she said sure.. we set up a bedroom in the living room for him. and he helped out with food and other stuff. Well that was my moms first mistake... Letting him stay there.. after about a week things were fine nothing unusual happened.. and then the second week rolled around and he started to sneak into my room. yes I was sexually active but I had one rule..That I wouldn't do it with my mom in the house. He knew it but it didn't stop him.. he climbed in my bed and started to try to have sex. I told him no he got mad and forced himself there anyways. This now became my nightly ritual 2- 3 times a week. I wasn't safe. I had NO one to turn to.. mom didn't believe me about J and doubted she would believe me about this. 2 -3 months later I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't told anyone yet and I wasn't going to. But I guess he figured it out, via a pregnancy test, because I was taking laundry to the laundry room at the apartments we lived at I started to walk down the stairs and the next thing I know I felt a shove, next thing I knew I was falling down the stairs. When I finally stopped at the end of the stairs I looked up and he was standing there.. said to me that he didn't give me permission to have his baby.

3 days later I miscarried soon after that I got the courage to kick his ass out.

So you see I was So desperate to be loved by someone anyone that I even chose the loser like him to give me love. I Went the "Cave man way"... but that wasn't love.. nope... NOT at all.

My track record from state to state wasn't good.. I had several boyfriends that when I tired of them I simply cheated on them. When that "special" feeling was gone I looked for the next thing.. that was how I worked that was what I did to keep safe.. to ensure that I hurt them first before they had the chance to hurt me.. I was never alone for long.. I wasn't picky of who I was with.. as long as they gave me the "special" feeling. One ex said this.. "I am the girl who every mother Hopes his boy would find, But i am the type of women that no man would touch"
Yeah that hit hard...

So now after more and more boys I dated up till the summer that I met M the guy who was 6-7 years older then me. I met him at the job I worked at and soon after that we were getting to know each other.. he played in bands and had a cool life. So we stated dating and of course because I was under 18 he went to ask my mom permission to date me.. (AHHHH what a Romantic) Anyways.... I have to say he was one of the GOOD ones.. not the macho man not the I am MAN you do as I say BITCH, kinda guy. Really sweet and he knew what I was going through he wanted to "save" me and I needed to be "saved".

Time goes on long story short he becomes my "Knight in shining armor" so to speak.. problem was that after I moved out of my house after graduation and into his house, he became dependent on me and I on him. To the point that I started to feel confined and in a rut.. So I did what I did best.. Cheat and hurt him, Push him away like all the others i did when they got to close to the real me. that was a part of me that I never allowed anyone to truly see... Although many saw through it I still THOUGHT I was giving off the fuck you attitude.. Isn't that strange It was almost like I was the bad girl that the good boys wanted.
I went with what the world encouraged me to do.. and that was to do what I wanted when I wanted and not worry about the consequences.

But there was...

One night he got mad at me.. found out that I had fooled with one of his fraternity brothers. He got mad and yelled and screamed at me to the point he was about to hit me... Backed me into the closet door and he hit the door right above my head. I push him back and yelled back told him that he was like any other man .. that all he cared about was what I could give him and how I made him feel. I told him that he shouldn't care about me that I was just going to hurt him more and wasn't worth it.
The next thing I know he is on the phone with my dad..asking him to let me come up to be with him. Thought that it would be good for me... So i left with a few bags of clothes and a plane ticket.

Unfortunately for all of us... I didn't help I just continue with the pattern.. difference new state, long distant boyfriend and had my dad... Oh yes most important I felt safe. Things weren't always peachy, at least I didn't have someone yelling at me 24/7. I did get answers to things I needed from my dad. But then I had to deal with a step mom that liked to tell me what I did wrong and not what I was doing right. How sweet is that...
Yeah right....

So after time goes by I my attitude and some of the outer appearance changed, i.e.. the clothes I wore, I stopped wearing club wearing and started wearing more conservative wear. I still had the harden outer core, I still gave everything I had.. Not believing that I deserved things back. Yet, still yearned for the Unconditional love that I needed so much. In all I doubted what people told me.. and gave everything I had to someone.. NOT keeping me and sharing ... Yes there is a difference there.

So now there I was time and time again.. Living life to what you can in a small town. NO drinking, no clubs. Being nothing but a good girl, or so everyone thought, and working. Once i was able to get out of the a family home and a place of my own i went right back to my patterns again.. of see someone only this time we were both addicted to sex but didn't want anyone to know we were fucking. ONLY problem I was doing the whole OH i love him crap, come out later to find out that he had a Girl friend at college. Funny huh? So Of course broken again.. having giving all of me to him I was crushed hurt and mad.. took it out on the next person.. My problem was I was TOO easy I allowed men to have me as soon as the first date.. WHY? Well because I honestly thought that If I gave them what all men wanted they would give me love in return... YES I fell for that... But i learned or so I thought I did...

I didn't like to be Idle I hated it... that was most of my problem without someone there to talk to or TV or anything I was forced to Think, Forced to look at things... I hated it.. I didn't know how to handle it.. so once again I change the outer part of me but not the inside and became even more harden.
Let put it this way In the amount of time that it took me to heal a little over 50% a snail could have gone 2 miles. BUT that was because I didn't have the support that I needed, no the outlet in which I was allowed to use to help me through. Oh yes Everyone had their opinion on what I needed to help me get through or had their opinions on what happened to me.. but in the words of my sis... "DON'T sit there and tell me you know what I went through... Because you aren't me" And she is right ;.. she is so right.. Every person goes through different situations.. yes we all grieve the same we go through stages as well.. but you weren't there you have no idea what I went through. Sympathize that is fine... tell me you understand.. give me encouraging words.. BUT ABOVE ALL tell me it's OKAY to feel the way I FEEL!!!!!

They never got it... they never understood ... I needed to KNOW that what I felt was okay to feel them.. that I shouldn't have swallowed it down and pretend that everything was okay. IT WASN'T OKAY!!!!! I wasn't okay. I was torn, broken and uncontrollable in everything... Impulsive in life to the point of nothing.. I mean honestly... wouldn't you been concern if your daughter showed up at your front door step crying and broken.

So through everything I did grow I did learn I did heal... but I honestly think that somewhere in my healing I closed a part of me that wouldn't accept those people around me to love me or at least NOT unconditionally.. I thought that if i gave out then I would get back.. and when I mean give out well I mean more then just gifts.
I never realized that you can actually just be yourself and people will love you ... People will like you without the harden exterior.

So I finally get to ask this big question.....
YAY!!!!!
THE BIG QUESTION!!!
Wait before i get to ask it... Let me ask you...
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

well I can tell you this... I can say that I learn to truly 100 % to be me.. not to lose myself in the person I am with .. Enjoy the things you like... and DON'T care what society says.. DAMN IT!!! Find yourself... and let me tell you YOU CAN'T DO IT .. WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE!!!!!!!!
That's right I said.. how can you find who you are if you are with someone.. think about it every time you give yourself to someone you are giving or melting yourself in with the person you are with.. You can't find yourself and heal if you don't take the time to do it...
The other thing I learned is that I need to stop doubting when someone is willing to LOVE me Unconditionally.. Willing to show me that I don't have to do anything or be anyone but to be me... That's it...
LIGHT BULB!!!!! BE YOU!!!!! get it... know who you are, what you like and your boundaries and securities...

So Now I come to my present ... I have to say this... I have HEALED more in the past 6 Months then I have in 15 years.. why you ask... well it is simple.
I have been watching my sister-in-law go through the healing process and doing it right without needing the opposite sex.. but just needed the support and a safe environment... and mostly important someone to tell her that it is okay to feel what you feeling when you feel it.. but not to be impulsive or destructive with them. She found a group of women and encouraging words to help her through...

Yes I am a little jealous of her. But I also realize that she is helping me to heal too.
So now comes the big realization that I am STILL wrapping my head and my heart around..

And her goes...
It has BEEN ME..... that's it! It has been me that was not and somewhat is not willing to accept the love of the people around me. It has been me that thought that if someone loved me they would do things for me, like i do for them. It has been who has prevent from myself from letting love in.. It hasn't been those who have loved me.
I have recently been profounded by so many people who have giving me love or showed they have Truly and deeply have cared for me that it has absolutely astonished me to no end! I mean not just the family here at home,but friends online and at home. Now I know what your going to say.. it is easy to love someone who is distant who has a barrier and is NOT up and personal. Well there are some people who I have talked to via phone not met personally but I have grown to love like a family.

So in this revolution of things realizing that it has been me all along preventing myself from letting people love me.. and SEEING that they do! That was the biggest part.. I never saw that they loved me because they never did anything for me.. I always had to ask.
BUT here is the the KICKER!!! people can show you they love you and NOT do anything for you.. and when i say that I mean... like take the trash out, clean their rooms, do the dishes.
Their ACTIONS show it all... when they make sure they give you a kiss in the morning, ensure that you are the first one they kiss when they get home or just simply go to work everyday and provide for the family. Every person is different.. but is the little things people do that show they love you.. Oh and did i mention.. THERE IS NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!!! OMFG!!! that's right! nothing, nada...
WOW!!!! and to simply realize that I have had that all along.. and to be reminded that i have that on a daily basis is .. just wow!!!
Now i am not saying that I am completely healed.. but what I am saying is that ...

This is my journey of MY healing... and THESE are the things that I have learned... we all have our own paths in which god has intended for us to go down.. sometimes we say hell no.. but in the end we always seem to go the way we were intended to go...
I just hope that it doesn't take you 20 years to get there like it has me.

So I want to take the time and THANK you... to those who have helped me along the way.. the first person is my husband... the next is my sis... Pussy_whisperer and werecat1, lizzie, and Scott and many others, who just took the time to talk to me on my stream... YOU have all helped me in some small way ... or just shown me love.. some have helped me in major ways and let me just talk and you listened.. SO thank you .. thank you for loving me... thank you for taking a chance on me and showing me that it is possible to receive unconditional love.. and for letting me be me...not to mention.. YOU LIKE ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!!!! LMAO!!!
Thank you my eyes are new and my heart is finally open to receive the love you give.