The Struggles of one person

Most of you already know what happen to me as a kid. Yes, I was abused as a child from the age of 10 til I was 16 by one person in the parental figure, the person in which My MOM couldn't live with out. Needed him because she refused to be alone. But the Funny thing about it is that she actually CHEATED on my father with this man.. Mmhm...

Now I am sure you are asking, To what degree were you abused? Well there are many different kind of abuse.. I unfortunately experiences all of the above Physical, Sexual, verbal, and psychological abuse. Sometimes in small spats here and there.. some times when he was mad at my mother and times when I was younger, Just been separated from my dad and older brother, Suffering from bad dreams on a weekly basis, And YES i DO remember them at least the feelings of them. Nightmares that would later turn to Night terrors. At First the only comfort I had was to curl up next to my mom.. Then she would leave for work and I would still be asleep...

What did this do to me.. I have been asking myself the same thing for years... and recently I have figured out a lot of things.

First let me answer the question.. WHAT DID IT DO TO ME?

Well it created a harden shell on the outside of me, created 2 personalities within myself, as well as ensured that i sought out love where ever I can find it including via sex, with men and women. It created insecurities within myself that I did what every I could to better myself.. The best clothes, the Best jewelry.. etc. But the most important thing that it taught me was that I am Loved Conditionally that is it... that is the BIG thing.

I was LOVED CONDITIONALLY! WTF! Right! I will love you if you don't mess up, I will love you if you let me beat you, I will love you if you do what I say. This was how I was taught what love was. I will LOVE you if you give me something.....But this is NOT what love is...

Is this right? NO of course not. It is NEVER right to love someone with Conditions. That is NOT what love is about... It is Unconditional. I know I have talked about loving someone Unconditionally before. BUT Just in case you forgot... LOVE is Never Faulted, Love doesn't come with Conditions and Love doesn't waiver...

So with all that it left me with a bigger problem was HOW I handled it.. although majority of the abuse happened from 10-16.. what you don't know is that from 16-18 I spent time away from the home as much as I possibly can... I had many boyfriends who "compensated" me in many ways. But when I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was way older, by 7 years, who had a place to live and willing to be my "savior" to let me stay with him during the weekends and he would frequently take me out in the evenings... yes I used him and yes I was just a teenager at the time..But I needed an escape from home life and HE Provided it for me.. This is when i completed the "savior" Complex. Looking for the NEXT thing that would SAVE ME from me or other bad things... Never looking into myself for the help i needed that was WITHIN me. Instead I allowed the Harden Personalities to come out and hurt those who tried to get close.. Or ruin a good man by cheating, lying and stealing their hearts and crushing them to the point they would discard me. Could you blame them though... How much manipulation, tortured and pain can one good man suffer at the hands of a TORN, BROKEN and Unwilling to get better women.

Now here is something that most of you DON'T know... From the age of 16 on my mother would encourage me to have relationships with men, to the point of she would ask the boy if he would Marry me... I mean I understand that she was just trying to get me out of the house to save me.. BUT REALLY! She used to tell me that that was all I was good for.. Being married young, flat footed pregnant. I had NO college in my future, NO expectations in my future.. So Why not right.. If you were told over and over again that all you were ever good for was family life then after a while you would believe it RIGHT!... right...
Oh let me NOT forget to back up that by HIM... Telling me that I have to PLEASE my man and do all that He tells me, even if it included getting a beatings... FUCK THAT SHIT!

By the time I finally got out of the house.. I had told my older boyfriend that if he EVER laid a hand on me that I would do everything I could to put him to the floor. He believed me, Because it almost happened.

Yes he knew about everything, details and all,there has only been a selected few that knew absolutely all details to what happen to me. It seems that I don't have any problems telling people that I was abused but the hardest thing for me to do is tell them what exactly happen to me. The details of it.. Mostly because if I said it, then it happened and if it happened then I had to deal with it.. or I would tell the parts in which I Was cold to but NOT dealt with... So for the first time in my life I am going to do something that is hard for me to do. That is to Tell you all what exactly happen to me.

So here goes..

When I was ten it was the summer time and mom and dad were already separated. By then mom had already ruin the marriage all because my dad refused to stay home and take a local trucking job. To my fathers defense.. there was more money in coast to coast driving. Anyways, the first time it happened I got scared had a nightmare and then climbed into my moms bed and feel quickly back to sleep curl up on my mom's side. Now this is what happened next, when I woke up he was on top of me and my mom was no where to be found. I honestly didn't know what was happening... I had no bottoms on and he was trying to penetrate. When he realized he couldn't he use his fingers. I was young and my mind was hazy, I didn't know what was going on. When I finally fully woke up I looked at him screamed and ran out. He tried to chase me but I got to my room faster and lock the door. Later I tried to tell my mom she didn't believe me.

Then next time it happen I was already really reluctant to go back in my mom's room when I had a really bad dream.. on the verge of a night terror, this one freaked me out so bad that I needed her comfort. So I carefully slid into her room and laid on the edge of her side, meaning to get up before she did but that didn't happen, instead feel asleep only to wake up to someone kissing on my ear and rubbing on my body in the wee hours of the morning. I remember next thing I know I am on top of him being forced and held down by my hips rubbing against him and he is telling me that he needs me.. loves me.. and he will take care of all my needs. I WAS 10! What needs do I have! Now to the worst part of it all. I don't know if my mom was high, still asleep or what,but I remember her walking in grabbing something and walking out. I was thinking to myself MOM help!.. but once again i was disappoint in my parental figure.
I can honestly say if anything happened after that i don't remember... I know that I did EVERYTHING I COULD when i had a bad dream to NOT to go there. I figured as Long as didn't give him easy access he wouldn't do that to me... Well I honestly can't say whether I was right or not. Some things have been block that not even I can unlock..

Mom didn't want to be reminded of the place her and dad had lived and besides dad won the ranch in the divorce and gave mom 2 months to find a new place. So soon after that we left the ranch, and moved to the city, where i went from school to school, new home every year.

The Verbal and Physical abuse started when i was 11, Started with a few temperamental outburst by him. He would either get mad at me, for little things like the dishes or my room not clean, not doing what i was told. He would get into ball out screaming matches with mom over stupid things as well... then come in and yell at me too.. The first time mom told him to stop yelling at me.. he hit her across the face and shoved her into the bedroom, as i hid myself into my room with my Walkman and cranked up the music..I don't know what happen to her and I was too scared to know. After about 30 minutes.. He protruded out of the bedroom and swung open my door pulling me out of my bed dragging me in to the living room. Where he planted me down next to my mom who was crying. I won't ever forget the look on her face. She was scared and I went to go hug her and tell her to call the police but he beat me to it. He started yelling and screaming at us both, then said that he was the boss and what he said goes.. that if either of was goes against him he would kill one of us.
Now here is one thing that most of you DON'T KNOW He (j) was younger then my mom by 6 or 7 years and he threw temper tantrums like a 3 year old... Stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs.. If he was mad at something or someone it was taken out of which ever one of was available at the time. Usually Via yelling and screaming... But the bad times is when he calmly came up to you and said something with this evil and horrible words to make you feel like you were nothing.. One thing he said to me over and over was.. "I raped your mother last night and your next... tell anyone and i will kill her."
He played with us.. toyed with our emotions, pinned us against each other time and time again.. This is Pure Physiological abuse.. It was the Pure anticipation of not knowing when it will happen or what will happen that had you on the edge all the time. Sleepless nights, and lots of begging my mom to go to someone else house was all i could do to keep safe. I know I left my mom to deal with him, But honestly SHE married him NOT me!

To me honestly I think that Psychological Abuse is the worse thing I went threw.
The worst and the last Time he actually physically touched me was a Friday night my mom had decided to go out with a few friends and she was to be home by 1 am. When she didn't come home at all...
AT 1:30 in the morning he grabbed my hair and dragged me yet again out of bed and begin to beat my thighs and butt with a thick police belt that had a steel hook, i was 14. We had a roommate who was asleep in the next room, well not for long. This time when he pulled me out he pulled me out by my hair, beating my right back thigh and the side of it till it was black and blue. The roommate popped her head out of her room when she heard my screams but he told her to mind her own business or she was next.
From what i understand she tried to call 911 but didn't succeed.. he tore the phone from her hands and then continue to beat my legs, back and butt with the belt giving a few blows to my ribs as well with his feet, as i laid on the floor crying. Every time i begged him to stop it got worst... So I endured it, this what seemed like a lifetime, crying out to stop, begging for help from the roommate. My skin being torn, the belt stung my skin like a million killer bees attacking all at once. I wanted to die, I just wanted it to end. When he was finally done. I honestly can't tell you the rest.. because i think i blacked out. I do know i woke up in pain on my stomach covered up in my bed.
Mom finally came home that morning and I remember calling a, now former, friend (we will called her J) to have her mom (call her S) come get me as soon as both mom and he left. S is a nurse and knew what to do for me. I remember sleeping the rest of the weekend, in and out of conscience due to the amount of pain pills I was given. I am sure your asking Why i didn't call the police or file a report.. well that was because I was a minor and the police had already told me that my mom had to back me up as well.. not to mention if I did... he would probably have killed my mother with the gun he had.

However out of courtesy S called my mom told her that I was okay and she was taking care of me, that she would keep me the rest of the week and that I would stay with them. I ended living there for the majority of the school year.

I honestly don't know what happen at home because the next 2 months I was at J's house more then my own. I would go home long enough to get fresh clothes, kiss my mom, or well feed my snake. I know that time after that last big beating I didn't show up to school for a few days til I could at least walk without a limp. I Had a 5 inch long scar on the back of my thigh, which has now faded. But left broken vessels on the back of my thighs.

So now you know... Now you can see what i went through... but there is more to come.. knowing how i struggled through it is the important part...

Part 1 of....