Answer... you don't want to know ...
Question... how long were you abuse?
Answer... too long... 6 years on and off
Do these question sound familiar... they do to me.. yes that is right i am a survivor of a horrible childhood... or was it? To me i can say it was.. to me i can say that i had to watch my step, my mouth and the door on my bedroom at night. did living this life hurt me.. NO it made me strong and sometime i think TOO strong.. or is there such a thing. Can one person be Too cold to life because of the type of life the lived.. moving from school to school.. never able to have friends for long.. and then get a friend that they find out.. then have to move again..or be for bidden to talk to them. what about all the other stuff.. the Bull shit the words that i heard.. putting me down saying i will never be good enough for anyone or that i might as well open my legs to anyone that will take care of me because that is all i am worth..
Wait let me say that again... IS THAT all i am worth or am i better then that... FUCK YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!
Some days i think that my experience in life can help others.. to help them through this to make them stronger and to teach them that a women is worth more then anything on earth... we are the ones that carry the child and we are the ones that drive the men to do the things that they do...
But does it Constitute a shallow perverted male to hurt, beat or molest children or young adults? NO... Ripping their childhood away from them the innocence that should have been respected and taught to grow in life... Yes.
These are our children these are our nieces or nephews our cousins..
The next question i get is... are you healed from this have you forgiven him?
My answer... you mean them.. and to answer the last.. who is truly healed from crap that was branded into you... being healed
Here is the Definition of that word.. now you tell me..
1 a : to make sound or whole
2 a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend
3 : to restore to original purity or integrity
Look at all those definitions and you tell me are you ever really Healed from tragedy, loss or life. do we really ever heal from it or do we just bury it into the back of our mind and leave it there, only to later head into a self-destructive attitude leaving our families and love ones to worry and beg for us to stop.
To me.. i understand that you are hurting i know that you can't help the bad thoughts in your head.. For me .. I can honestly say HE CAN'T HURT ME ANYMORE!!!! because it is my Choice my choice!! That is right A choice.. one that every person has never say that you have no choice that you have no where to go.. hell i ran away at least 2 a month.. stayed at friends homes for the weekend and even the weekdays. It was my choice to be self destructive to kill all my relationships to hurt those around me to take that drink every morning.. MY choice!!!
Now i want you to listen to MY WORDS.... YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!! GET OUT AND GET HELP..if it was your spouse.. then find away to leave.. and when you get out.. do me a favor and DON"T GO TO THE NEXT ABUSER... that is right... some women out there will find another abuser, it may not be physical.. it might be verbal or sexual.. what everything case be.. you NEED TO HEAL!!!!
for the women out there at get away and have the support system that is needed to heal... and I DO mean SYSTEM!!! Why because you need GOOD STRONG POSITIVE people around you to help you through this... in this case IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE TO HELP THE WOUNDED.... People to talk to people to hear you, to cry to when you mad or sad or just can't do it anymore...
Because let me tell you something if you don't have the entire village hearing you and acknowledging what happen then well... it is hard.. you feel alone you feel like the whole world is against you and you begin to second guess yourself.."did it really happen" Don't et them tell you that... if it happen it happened.. GO FIND ANOTHER VILLAGE TO HELP YOU
it has been 21 years since the first time my abuse happen.. and even i am healing till this day.. what is helping me.. is that i have a wonderful husband that has been helping me through it all by LISTENING.. and just being...
Now with certain family matters it seems i am reliving things over again.. but this time it is different this time i can honestly say the pain is still there but it is my choice to let it stay.. and i say i won't i won't let the pain of things hurt me.. but let this experience Help me to finish healing and to see through another's eyes of what i went through and to acknowledge the the stages i went through to help her through it as well...
Now here is the thing... My experience is not the same and her experience... and no one can say "I know" UM hello no you don't... because we all go through this process differently, feeling what we feel. that is all i have to say about that... SO LET US FEEL IN OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL WAY WE ARE NOT COOKIE CUTTERS... WE DON'T ALL FEEL THE SAME!
MY pain is different from your pain.. i am reliving it.. but i am thoughtful of it.. i am aware of what is going on and what i am feeling.. this time i know that i can go and do something that will be okay for me to do without a self-destructive behavior. i don't feel like take the knife to my wrist or drinking till i puke or letting any guy fuck the shit out of me just because... Well okay .. i let my hubby fuck the shit out of me only because i ENJOY IT! LOL
But seriously... is all of the necessary? do i have to go through it all again? For me if i can heal and help someone else in the process... YES it is..
Does it make my heart hurt less.. not really but at least i can go through it and know that if i say HELP then i have it... and so does she....
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