A Revolution...

I just came to a realization of the way people work.. they way people use life as a crutch..
I was at a party with some band friends and someone said something to me about surviving an ordeal, I mouthed off something about yeah well been through hell in my younger days did things I wasn't proud of. She came back with a shurg and " I call that survivng" then today i was talking with a friend and it hit me..

Why do people say that line.. They say you survived...

But Don't we survive the ordeal when we are our bad situation? What happens when we get out and are in a better place are we still surviving? why? we are we surviving... shouldn't we be living and learning to heal all the way. shouldn't we stop.
When I think of Surviving I mean Doing everything necessary to KEEP you safe. No matter what the cost.
So what happens to us who are safe? who don't have to continute to do what is nessacry at any means, ie hide, or take the beatings or make sure things are done when told or to lie there while the man beats the hell out of you cause you know if you struggle it will be worse.
Do i have to hide anymore? Runaway? give up my body before they Take it from me? Let someone make me feel like an object? HELL NO! so why does it still feell like I am surviving and not livng my life and learning to heal fully? why is it that when I hear people say "It's called surving" it makes me mad...
I know i survived but when i was out of harms way what did i do? I continued to survive looked for the best option I could get. was it fair to those who loved me.. NO.. was it right for me to do it NO.. Then why the Fuck did it do it?

BECAUSE I WAS STILL SURVIVING!
I watch my sister heal and get better everyday and I know in my heart that if there was JUST ONE person that gave me what i gave her a safe place, support and understanding of why i feel the way i feel and learned to Set my boundaries I know that HALF the shit i did I probably would have never done it. I would have continued school... there are alot of things I would have done.

so .. we survive when we are in the bad Situations because we had to .. but in order for us to stop surviving and actually love life and heal we need to stop what we are doing stop using it as a Crutch, get off our asses and start learning to heal and LIVE LIFE!

I know that some of those who have been abused are out there and have survived and LIVED and learned to live and love again. But have you every thought about what would have happened if you had someone to guide you to help you and to show you OTHER then a spouse or a loved one? What would happen in just ONE Stranger showed you an ounce of Unconditional Love.. Not because that person has to, but because the understand.
Well i had that today.. I had a person that I know but is still a stranger, not judge me not criticize me, Not even a OMG really?
it was a simple "You have a past you did things wrong but that doesn't change the way I look at you. "
Not a You survived you did things you had to do... or a "can't believe you did that"
and you know what... It threw me for an absolute loop, it made me stop and think after the shock wore out.. you expect people to either tell it to you straight, pat your back and say it's okay and all that.. but to have someone say that.... it was like my world opened up again and things started to work.

Do you people out there SEE what an Impact you can make on just ONE person by NOT giving them a Pity party and of course at times Being straight forward harsh is needed but other times.. Unconditional love and nonjudement is more impacting when the person isn't looking can make a BIG difference..


Can i Just say WOW...
So POINT.... if you are OUT of the BAD LIFE THEN GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND START LIVING IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SURVIVE ANYMORE THERE IS NO ONE TO HIDE FROM NO ONE BEATING YOU DOWN. FIND HELP AND SUPPORT OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT AND LEARN TO LIVE!

A world of our own....

Field of innocents, field of green,
how doth I remember you as you were in my dreams.
Come take me now to the place I know as my own, come take me now ...

Brush my skin, shiver my spine.. leave all the rest behind.
Pull me close, don't let me go...
If i fight.. hold me close, kiss my lips and don't let go
For I know your love and i see you true

I take your hand, my heart is safe....
All others go to waste...
I see the sparkle in your eyes...
I see my woes say good bye
How doth one say the words..
A beat here that skips one and two

Back to the dreams i know so well,
lit by the moon and stars above
You are the sky that i lay upon , the one i see at twilight end
Seek not a house to dwell upon but a home to live in...

WAS I JUST EMOTIONAL RAPED?

I wanted to Go back and talk more about Emotional Blackmail and Emotional Rape.. I do not think that people actually think that these things exist.. but the do.. it can be as subtle as a guilt trip or to a extreme as threaten you with your love ones, your life or anything that you deem of worth.
So let me first give you the Definitions:

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL - is a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. They can be their parents, partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use this intimate knowledge to win their compliance
EMOTIONAL RAPE- is the theft of someone's higher emotions, such as love, without consent. However, in the case of emotional rape the lack of consent is contained in the fact that the individual is being lied to by the perpetrator.

Now that we have the definitions. Let us now explore the Characteristic of someone who would do these things
Without exception, victims describe two predominant characteristics of their rapists:

1. They are charismatic, attractive personalities, likely to be widely admired.
2) They can completely conceal their true, manipulative, power-seeking natures.


These two observations draw highlight one of the central features of Emotional Rape: it can happen to anyone.

The widely varying backgrounds and personalities of those who have become victims of emotional rapists demonstrate the danger in thinking that "It could never happen to me."
It is sometimes difficult to believe that no moral responsibility rests with the victim - because he or she was weak, naive, or otherwise "to blame" - but that it lies with the rapist, whose ability to conceal his or her true self and to present a false self with the intent of preying on others, is so practiced, so convincing,  that almost anyone could be deceived.

I wonder if you ever thought of your abuser or even a "supposed" friend or even a parent as a "perpetrator". Until recently I didn't think of it either. Till I realized that I can actually create boundaries that will help me to NOT be victimized by these people or by the situation.
What you say a BOUNDARY? What do you mean boundary... what is that?

Well let me explain what a Personal Boundary is.. It is A Boundary you set for your self to ensure that you don't get hurt, to Protect and to take care of ourselves. It is a way to be able to tell other that you don't like what they are doing as well as not acceptable to us.You have to understand and no that we have the RIGHT and the RESPONSIBILITIES as Humans to ensure that others don't take advantage or do things in which makes us uncomfortable.

So in recent events I had a female friend that may or may not have known she was overstepping my personal boundary. Boundaries that I didn't know i could set. That was my problem I didn't take the time out to set. Bad On my part.. But I am learning..

This is the WHOLE reason I am Writing this.. so that people understand that we all have a right to protect ourselves and understand that you can SAY NO!

Now I think i am hearing this... What if when you say no they say or do what they can to get the YES! Well that is when you have to just put up your boundaries more and just let them know that Your answer will be no no matter what they say or do.

There are the extreme Situations of abuse that you just have to get out of and I mean RUN if you can!
Other wise it if simply someone who pulls the lesser of the crime you can learn your boundary of what is acceptable to you. Examples you KNOW I LOVE them!!!

1. If you have a friend and she gets all huffy, as i like to call it going "high school" on you pulling the your not a good enough friend because....
2. and one of my favorties... If you had a choice you should go with so and so cause he would be better suited for you... i am not good enough
3. oh the "I am Not speaking to you cause"
All of these are to get you to do or say what they want to hear or do...

I Honestly don't care what you say or complain about.. When you are PUSHED, or MADE to feel a certain way it is RAPE! have you EVER actually looked up the word?
OH lets shall we!

RAPE- an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation.

Oh... did you see that.. it is an act of Plunder... to take with out permission... DO YOU THINK that it would apply to Emotions too! UM YES!!!! 

I was told once that when some says to you... well you won't do this for me because you don't love me IS consider a form of Emotional RAPE! Why you ask.. well because they are making you FEEL something you don't want to... 

Now let me tell you what i have learned... 

I learned that I can say I don't like how your treating me.. or express my true feelings without feeling like i can't tell someone how i truly feel with out being mean about it.. I think it is all in the Return of the words. The Presentation of how you say it that will help. But you know me i am not as tactful as some are.. so there for i come off harsher then others. 

I have also realized that when i am going through something I know i can talk to someone but generally i get pissy and blow people off... Instead I think i need to let people know that i am going through something and stop letting it steam and boil inside.. in other words... DON'T HOLD IT IN... BUT DON'T YELL about it.. TALK about it... 

So now he have had our education for the day.. I hope that you will all learn something new as well and STOP THE EMOTIONAL RAPE!!!!! WE ARE PEOPLE TOO AND WE MAKE MISTAKES!!!

A final word...

So here goes... Some of you know that i RP (Role Play). Yeah i know some of you will be like.. WTF? yeah what ever. okay.. here is the deal yeah i got my heart torn by it.. from a man who i thought was a friend... here is the what i have learned here... YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN WHEN YOUR MARRIED!... Now there are a few exceptions to this.. And they know who they are.. but still.. most men will lead you astray and say or do what ever they can to make it look like it is  "greener on the other side" What you don't believe me? Then maybe you should take a step back and really listen to what they are saying... Hey lets have examples shall we!!!!

Example one: Oh I can bench press 200 pounds and fuck all night... I was Part of the Back stage Entourage of so and so's band

 Example 2: I make XX amount of money.. don't worry baby i will take good care of you

Do you see where i am getting.. making them selves out to be better then what you have or don't have... doing things that will encourage you to go their way.. Or Pulling the Emotional Black mail/Rape to ensure that you will say what they want to hear. 

So now this is what i have to say... Women Keep you eyes and ears open.. unless you SEE it with your own eyes and I mean like the Proof of what he says not just a picture or his words.. DON'T BELIEVE THEM!!!!

Know here is the kicker.. DON'T and i Mean DO NOT invest all of you in that person.. you have to step back and think about things.. don't take everything that they say to heart.  Men will do ANYTHING to get what they want. They can be manipulating, secretive and well just out right liars...

Now I know you are thinking what does this have to do with RP... well that is the WORSE place in the world to "meet" men... Look it is Acting.. that all it is.. But when  the drama and the emotions effect your Real Life then you need to either 1. stop because it will leave you mental or 2 Learn that it is just acting!!! your playing a ROLE that requires your emotions to react BUT NOT to take to HEART! why are you even Bother to INVEST all of your emotions is to a PLAY!!! I mean come on.. would you invest your entire emotions in a book or in a movie that you just read or watched? No... you wouldn't.. you would enjoy the time that you got to be with it and then move on... well that is Basically what you should do with RP.

Now one thing that RP has done for me is help me be creative... gave me an outlet to be someone that is a part of me... and to help write a book and some short stories.

I am here to tell you that yes i did make that mistake of investing myself in a friendship that ended in disaster and I ended up getting very hurt over it.. But I have to say that in the end it made me stronger and I got some GREAT friends out of it...ones that stuck by be and helped me out... that didn't judge me for me or try to manipulate me or try to change me.

A friend said to me... You have learned so much in this last year and have grown .... let life be life and he is right.. instead of Focusing on what he did to me.. I need to let life be life , focus on the Positive outcome  and learn from my mistakes... everything happens for a reason... and ever reason happens... That is very true.. think about it.. I know you can do it...

So After all the outcome of it all..all the growing the learning about myself and realizing of the shit my life was and how much better it got with accepting love in and my family and my friends.... Why should i let something a year ago effect me.. why should I let something that happen 10 years ago effect me... well i have one answer.. I didn't let it go.. I didn't accept it for what it is.. something that happened... an event that changed the course of my life either for the better or for the worse..

It is one thing to accept it happened.. but for women and MEN it is another to let it go ... to understand the benefits of it ... or the Problems that occurred because of it.. and just learn and let go... Yeah i know .. some of you probably say You hold grudges for YEARS ... but WHY? I mean really? Why would you want to hold on to something.. all you are doing is just keeping all that negative inside... You know Chinese Proverb says... If you hold to negative you leave no room for good to come in...

Oh so true... ... my other favorite that I am LEARNING... is .. If you think negative, you talk negative and you allow negative to take over... then only negative to will stay with you...and only negative things will happen to you... SOOOOO.... what do you think you need to do? mmmm Well I would THINK to Think positively and all the above! oh.. and a word of advise.. If you flush out the negative you have to replace it with something.. or you leave an empty whole.. yeap.. i said it.. you will leave an empty hole to be filled with .. you guess it.. even MORE and REALLY BAD Negativity..

So here is my way of pulling out the negative of what happen and putting positive back in...

 Yeah all that shit happen... *Kicks it out the door* now its gone and I say thank you.. thank you for kicking my but and doing what you did so that I could find the Best Male friend I could ever have.. and the Best RP  family i could ever find.. and the BEST Girl friends that I thought it was NEVER possible for me to actually get along with other women... yes that is the Best thing could ever happen... and thank you for getting the ball rolling I would have never had the opportunity to really go threw the changes and the growth that i needed to become the women i am today.. The Creative, caring, accepting of love and friendship, the person who listens, watches and really sees threw things... and the Person that has Finally gotten over the abuse that i went through.. and Finally got to reconnect to her husband again... So Thank you...

Letting go

So i am sitting here pondering on Life's new road for me. Realizing that i have a big road ahead. Things will have to be taken one day at a time and in some cases one hour at a time. Although here lately i am not sleeping with everyone else.. and yes a bit of insomnia has touched me. However a lot races through my head on a constant basis. I wonder of the times i did things.. go over events that could have been handled different. At times I even as if i did this would that have happen.. No i know what your gonna say.. you can't change the pass..I know that! But you CAN learn form it. Vicious cycles that constantly happen, Lessons not learned due to the lack of "Seeing" what is really there. Oh and my favorite.. Stop Chasing ghost! yeah we all have ghost of something.. Ghost of the past, of someone or even a event. 

I am sure some of you don't understand what, at least in this context, the word ghost means.. so let me help you.

GHOST= what was left behind or memories of someone now changed. 

So you see... we all think of ghost and we and have them as thoughts. I recently did as well.. in a certain manner a ghost of someone i thought was there but realized I must be a reminder to what was... I get that.. I have those to. Some days it is hard.  to look on someones face and see what happen or what you did to them.. In this case it IS time to move on.

So how do you move on.. from things from people you know.. Do remember when we talked about how people come and go in your life for reasons.. yeah i am talking about that. Well I think the biggest part of that is the letting go part. 

Yes sometimes when that person comes in you fall for them or start to really care for them.. for women it is hard to really let someone go.. We want to hold on to that person with all our might to the point we end up smothering them. 
COME ON you know you do it.. Just shake your head UP and DOWN and say it.. Yes I do.. 

I do it too.. I have a hard time letting people go out of my life that something Jurassic has to happen in order for my to wake up!I mean Really wake up and see that their job is done. They did what they were meant to do.. or you really didn't listen to what they were saying to the point they gave up! Yes God or the higher powers up there.. gives each of us a mission with each other and if YOU don't Fucking listen or aren't ready to HEAR what they have to say.. and ALLOW them to help you.. THEY ARE GONE!!!  That's right.. Buh bye.. adios.. 

Oh but did i tell you there is a kicker.. yes.. even God himself has humor .... Yeah there is this thing he does.. Called "slaps your head" WAKE THE FUCK UP! he gives ups one more try and puts someone else in front of you to teach you the same fucking lesson that YOU didn't want to hear in the first place.

Okay so that is Probably MY now 4th time rambling about that.. BUT FUCKING A!! when you are you people gonna GET IT! There are people out there that actually care enough to tell you the TRUTH of what they see. Not for you to fall in love with in an instant and push away everything they say because you want ALL of their attention. Or to Pout and wine and cry because they won't tell you what you want to hear.

Alright now back to the letting go part... Look we all have to let someone go in our life.. But if you think it as this.. When one person goes it is just one more spot for a new person to come in.. then things aren't so bad. However I am going to warn you.. IF you are looking for someone to FILL that "love" void then you WILL attract the wrong kind of "love",That I know from experience, It isn't pretty and you won't like the heart break you will get. 

Look I said it I warned you.. NOW LISTEN!

So now.. On to the men.. yes now I get to talk about you men in this. so here goes. If you men are supposed to be in a women's life for some reason and then realize that either A. she won't listen and you get tired of her Bull shit B. she is getting to close or too possessive or C. she starts to push you away every time you try to help.. Well then do us ALL a favor and JUST FUCKING TELL THEM!!!! Don't leave us women hanging around waiting for you to "come around" or just waiting for something.. because you know what.. We are the worst at assuming shit..We women will assume the worst if you don't SPEAK up and say it.. Hello MC FLY!!! Talk to her.. tell her what is really going on.. LET HER KNOW! don't just say one thing and then let her find out that you did what you said you didn't want.. geesh.. I mean REALLY?!?! 

YES.. Women are the worst at assuming ONLY because MEN don't speak the truth ... 

OH and women Do me a favor.. STOP CHASING HIM! if he was meant to be in your life then just let it happen *slaps head* yeah.. take my own advise on this.. I am dealing with that too.. 

So what will it be...will the human race change? Besides the physical aspect of girls getting boobs younger and boys getting bigger... all due to the growth hormone in our food.. (another rant another time) 

So will we... MM With the help of a few others I know.. I hope so.. I hope that we can all evolve to be men and women.. and communicate.. And I am not taking about.. the whole.. "tell her what your feeling all the time" I am just saying to communicate your wants and needs.. and to communicate the truth on things.. situations... even IF you hurt their feelings.. I mean wouldn't YOU rather have someone say .. Yeah I like you but I don't WANT you.. rather then them not say anything at all and you pine over them like a lost puppy tring to get their attention 24/7 and bugging the hell out of you until you explode. 

MMM let me think.. ... Bob I will take what is Behind DOOR number 1.. thank you... ding ding ding ding!!!!!!

Alright so do you think you have it.. do you think you can understand why letting go is important? 

like the saying goes.. When one door closes another one opens...

but do because what door you go through.. because there maybe several doors that open at the same time.. but you just have to chose wisely.. and i do mean wisely... as in.. watch what is in the door, study it, listen BEFORE you step in...

Let's just hope we can all just understand each other.. and communicate shit to each other in a truthful manner.. I know I am appreciative to a man that CAN and WILL tell me the truth instead of letting me wonder or assume.. 

Oh and BTW! Assume.. = ASS out of U and ME