At night...

Night time seeping through the window, Lives crawl deep within

Purifing what has been, a cleansing of what was...

Left a hole once where you belong.

Hope and love fill the hole helping...

A criple with steel to support.. you.

No longer the teeth crawl into your bed at night as you scream

with was left behind, reaping what i have earned

After the Revelation of one Realization...

Things don't always go the way you expect... Shit happens, you swear to break a cycle that is unhealthy upon you and the people around you. But when you realize that you may have stopped one thing from happening all that really happen was a transference.

Oh come on you know what that means.. or do you?

It is something that happens when you trade one evil for a lesser evil. I mean how many of us out there who survived abuse and swore up and down they would NEVER become that.. Never become the one thing that we despise above all else.. An abuser. What? did she just say what i think she said. Yes, yes i did..
It doesn't matter what kind, nor the extreme of it. if you do something that is against someones will or over the years slowly beat that person down with your words or your fist. well it is all the same is it not?

In my eyes it is. I hate to say this, and i hate the fact that when i opened my eyes i noticed that most, not all, victims of abuse either become abusers, stop the abuse and get help or trade one abuse for another and don't know it.
I thought i stopped it, i thought i had it all figured out, but i don't. Up till recent I i had NO fucking idea what i was slowly doing to my husband nor my child. I was become the one thing i hated the most. I was not only becoming like my mother but I was hurting the one person that has been by my side for all these years, not in the physical sense but in a mental and verbal way.

So i will say this now.. I, Amber, Have been slowly over the years damaging my husband verbally by belittling him and hurting him to the point that he no longer wants to do the things for me that he used to do. All do to that fact that I feel let down by him.

So now that it is out there and you know my dirty laundry. I say how do i correct this?
Well I know i have taken the first step in the process i admitted it.. to you and i did to the main person that has been getting the blunt of it and yes i did it the night of my realization.  I know that with in my self there is a recorder that has been melted into my brain like so many others what I have come to know as our "Negative recorder"  you all know what that is.. yes it is the voice inside that tells you your no good, that your not worth anything, that you can't do it. I say that it is Satan keeping you from the one goal.. getting better, achieving the positive goals of life of living...
Many could also say that it is the upbringing of a early life with someone that is constantly putting them down or constantly being around a negative soul.

We all can say that negativity breeds negative things but how many can actually say they have been able to rid them selves completley of it? I know i can't every once in a while it creeps back in.
So how do we get rid of it? How do you stop and throw away that recorder? Can anyone do it? Can you do it by yourself? or do you need reinforcement in the matter?

So what does one do when the one person that you need uplifting from the most is the one person you have been belittling?
These are all good questions...

SO HOW THE HELL DO THEY GET ANSWERED??????????
the one thing i do know is that in order for both of us to achieve being better in everything things are going to have to start with me... that's right it has to start with me.. i have to make the change because you know what?? ONLY I CAN CHANGE ME and in return things should start to change around me as well as others will benefit from my change for the better.

So
GOAL #1.... No yelling....
GOAL #2 ..... Looking at the things people do and NOT the things they don't do...

I'll let you know how it goes.. so for.. Goal #1 is going pretty good.. but here is the kicker... I have to learn to keep my cool in order to achieve it... so far... so good..................

After math..

So the presents are all unwrapped.. smiles on everyone's faces.. except one..mine.. why you ask... because through all of the prep and all the hustle and bustle i feel a bit jipped.. okay so this year I didn't get asked what i need or want for christmas. I know that christmas is a about other things.. and believe me i feel blessed.. my family was there everyone loved the food and we had a blast.... however.. there are times when it is nice to be able to be recognized through presents, especially the one your married to. but like ever year at least the past few years I continue to get him things, listen when he says he needs something and then i get it for him, when i have the extra money i get him a few extra items as well... but do i get anything.. nope.. nada nothing.. ~sighs~ it just a let down.. I decided this year since he hadn't asked or even paid attention i would just get me what i wanted.. a new coat and boots.. i really did need new kitchen gadgets and stuff for the kitchen.. it isn't that i didn't give him a change.. and I know you all will say that i didn't.. but i just know him.. if he doesn't hint around to what i want or anything i know i am not getting anything from him.. but of course he expects me to get him things.. like i have to make up for all the shit i throw at him for making him feel like crap when he did something wrong.
If we both do what is expected of each other and actually help each other out like it should be then would i still feel like it is just another disappointment? I honestly don't know.

Some one told me that if it isn't in the programming then it won't happen.. well it got me to thinking. Did i Deprogram him due to my OCD? due to my overly controlling behavior? did i make him just NOT want to do anything to help out.. the answer.. YES sorry to say it.. bit i am at fault as much as he is..

Sorry to say it.. but we as women can actually deprogram our spouses and create the one thing we have been trying to not create.. a lazy man..

Well at least when it comes to some things.

So did this deprogramming run over into presents? Hugs and the little things like even down to putting his clothes away.. could be
Don't actually know some times it is hard to distinguish.
so what can be done?
Well if i don't want to end in a divorce or a loveless marriage chainging how i look at things he does would be the best start.
i.e stop getting mad at him and praise him when he does something good or nice. tell him I appreciate him and all that.. maybe just maybe i might get that back.
The only problem i have now.. is undoing all the bad i have done.. some days i want to hide into my own world because i feel like i can't do anything right.. or i come off rude or cold to him or my son and i am a being a bitch.
Most days i do want to hide because i feel like maybe that is the only thing that will keep me and them from hurting.. from me getting mad and blowing up or belittling them and being to harsh.
I know growing up i had the same thing from my dad.. it's like that song Perfect by Alanis Morrissette only not as bad with the with holding love part.
Yeah i can blame my upbringing the harshness.. but i never realized how much damage it caused until now. I am struggling with this.. it has been a part of me my whole life.. but it seems i can be patient, loving kind and caring to others.. but to my son and husband i am a raving bitch that expects to much.

so what do i do? how do i stop it.. because to me.. this is a form of abuse and it seems the cycle didn't stop with me.. Oh shit..
so now instead of physical abuse.. i am verbally abusing my family.. wow now i feel like even more of a bitch and a total shit..
i don't know what to do with this realization.. i just don't.. cry? hit something? change?
how? how do i stop this? how do i look at the good things and not the bad things.. or the negative things..

my heart is breaking right now.. i said a long time ago that i wasn't going to do what they did to me.. and yet i am.. maybe not to the extreme but i am..
Sorry i think i need to cut this short.. i need to go cry now..

Chrismas...STRESS and Two women

This year will be a different year..Sis is stronger.. I am different well some days i am distant others i am here.. Latley due to the Stress that was cause by the lack of vehicles and other things.. it has created a Whirl wind of emotions between two estrogen Alpha women in one house.. Some days it is hard due to the fact that we both have our OWN ways of running our house.. and Of course her and i have changed roles.. she is now the stay at home mom and I am the worker bee.. lol Of course the Hubby still works thank goodness for his steady work habits..
Anyways... the other problem here, is that well I have been TRYING my hardest to NOT be a bitch about how clean the house ISN'T or what people ARENT doing.. and TRYING to concentrate on what everyone IS doing.. let me tell you THis is the Fucking hardest thing i have ever had to do.. and it has pushed me back,  not too far but it has turned me into a bit submissive.. which i FUCKING hate.. okay look I am THE Alpha in MY house.. there is NO doubt of that.. I raise me voice.. I give a look and everyone KNOWS i mean business that is how it is!
 Then you add a Noncommen sense.. ADHD women who is Trying to find her way in life and were she belongs.. who isn't very good and some things and excellent at others in to MY mix.. well lets just say some days are interesting here.. she has her own way of doing things like i do.. but the one thing we have in common is that we do love each other and care for each other enough to yell, scream and blame each other for stupid shit and then make up for it cause we were able to get ot the bottom on the problem.. well in our case more like the heart...

So after 4 weeks of HIGH stress of NO control on my behalf... NO car NO way to run MY errands unless i beg or borrow.. well lets just say that after the release of the stress came the Medical issues that come with stress..
Now here is what some people don't know about this thing called Stress... ONCE you are Released from all the worrying and pacing and everything.. this thing called TOXINS release out into your body creating havoc in different parts of your body.. could be tension, mood swings, headaches, fatigue or other problems and it can be mild to severe depending on the length of stress your body has been under... now that said..

My body LOVES to go the tension route.. OH and the mood swings.. HELLO I am FUCKING HERE.. talk about a BAD case of PMS and PMMS ... Oh yes.. the Poor Mean Momma symptoms LOL anyways.. So i have been the Mean momma the Bitch Or and the sabotagee.. Not on purpose remind you.. when i am like this I just don't feel the same. i am not the same and I have to go on the medication to help keep the headaches at bay. IT FUCKING SUCKS!  it is a vicious cycle..

Never ending.. cause ON the medication I don't sleep well.. but if i don't then the headaches will be back and my moods will be off the charts.. Poor hubby..

But through of this I have been able to lean on a few out there to help me and be my anchor and grounding.. it has helped a lot and I am grateful for them.

It has been a LONG few months but getting into the routine of working and then coming home and chiping away at the house work and cooking on my nights will take some time to get used to... but after this NICE little vacation with Two of the best girls I know well i think that will help me a lot.. i need this, i need some time to have a bit of fun with no hubbies no little children no anything just me and the girls.. i know it will help.

But for now.. Let me get through Christmas with a smile and open heart and mind.. Let me NOT get mad and over react to the little shit and just be grateful for what is here with me.. and that is a wonderful family, loves in my life and wonderful children.. what can as for more.

so with that.. I say Merry Christmas to all.. and to all.. well you know the rest... Just enjoy your family

A Revolution...

I just came to a realization of the way people work.. they way people use life as a crutch..
I was at a party with some band friends and someone said something to me about surviving an ordeal, I mouthed off something about yeah well been through hell in my younger days did things I wasn't proud of. She came back with a shurg and " I call that survivng" then today i was talking with a friend and it hit me..

Why do people say that line.. They say you survived...

But Don't we survive the ordeal when we are our bad situation? What happens when we get out and are in a better place are we still surviving? why? we are we surviving... shouldn't we be living and learning to heal all the way. shouldn't we stop.
When I think of Surviving I mean Doing everything necessary to KEEP you safe. No matter what the cost.
So what happens to us who are safe? who don't have to continute to do what is nessacry at any means, ie hide, or take the beatings or make sure things are done when told or to lie there while the man beats the hell out of you cause you know if you struggle it will be worse.
Do i have to hide anymore? Runaway? give up my body before they Take it from me? Let someone make me feel like an object? HELL NO! so why does it still feell like I am surviving and not livng my life and learning to heal fully? why is it that when I hear people say "It's called surving" it makes me mad...
I know i survived but when i was out of harms way what did i do? I continued to survive looked for the best option I could get. was it fair to those who loved me.. NO.. was it right for me to do it NO.. Then why the Fuck did it do it?

BECAUSE I WAS STILL SURVIVING!
I watch my sister heal and get better everyday and I know in my heart that if there was JUST ONE person that gave me what i gave her a safe place, support and understanding of why i feel the way i feel and learned to Set my boundaries I know that HALF the shit i did I probably would have never done it. I would have continued school... there are alot of things I would have done.

so .. we survive when we are in the bad Situations because we had to .. but in order for us to stop surviving and actually love life and heal we need to stop what we are doing stop using it as a Crutch, get off our asses and start learning to heal and LIVE LIFE!

I know that some of those who have been abused are out there and have survived and LIVED and learned to live and love again. But have you every thought about what would have happened if you had someone to guide you to help you and to show you OTHER then a spouse or a loved one? What would happen in just ONE Stranger showed you an ounce of Unconditional Love.. Not because that person has to, but because the understand.
Well i had that today.. I had a person that I know but is still a stranger, not judge me not criticize me, Not even a OMG really?
it was a simple "You have a past you did things wrong but that doesn't change the way I look at you. "
Not a You survived you did things you had to do... or a "can't believe you did that"
and you know what... It threw me for an absolute loop, it made me stop and think after the shock wore out.. you expect people to either tell it to you straight, pat your back and say it's okay and all that.. but to have someone say that.... it was like my world opened up again and things started to work.

Do you people out there SEE what an Impact you can make on just ONE person by NOT giving them a Pity party and of course at times Being straight forward harsh is needed but other times.. Unconditional love and nonjudement is more impacting when the person isn't looking can make a BIG difference..


Can i Just say WOW...
So POINT.... if you are OUT of the BAD LIFE THEN GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND START LIVING IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SURVIVE ANYMORE THERE IS NO ONE TO HIDE FROM NO ONE BEATING YOU DOWN. FIND HELP AND SUPPORT OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT AND LEARN TO LIVE!